Sex and Sangria: Marriage, Divorce and Orgasms

    Any woman who has ever bronzed her skin with tanning cream or found herself in a situation that required a little more confidence than she had on hand knows there are times when going faux can prove the preferred method. But should any woman -- married, divorced or otherwise -- be faking pleasure? We’re not so sure.

While our male counterparts are rarely keen to admit the women they pleasure might not be pleased at all, the reality is that more than half of women in relationships aren’t being 100 percent truthful between the sheets. So, why scream and wiggle instead of letting your guy know how to turn you on properly? The answer is not as simple as you might think.

The most recent Orgasm Study (yes, you read that correctly) estimates that 72 percent of women have duped their partners at least once in their relationship. A separate study suggests that women in their 20’s and 40’s are more likely to fake pleasure than those in their 30’s due to the early 30’s being the peak of sexual responsiveness. While 55 of men claim they can tell when their gal is putting them on, some women aren’t so sure. “There’s not anything a woman can’t pull off well. Men think they know what’s going on with us but they have no idea-especially when it comes to whether or not they are turning us on. They think porn stars are getting off for goodness sakes!” says Hanna, 31.               

Why We Do It
Whether she’s embarrassed, frustrated, tired or simply doesn’t want to hurt her partners feelings, the reasons a woman might go faux are varied but most of them boil down to please her partner. “I only fake it occasionally when it’s just not going to happen for whatever reason maybe it’s a lack of sleep, stress from work, far too drunk  or something similar but I see that he’s doing everything else right and trying really hard,” says Yasmine, 29. Some women think it comes down to women not feeling comfortable sharing their needs and desires in relationships, especially when it comes down to sexuality.

“I think as women many of us are brought up to accept what we're given and not to talk about sex, our desires or what we want. I've personally never felt comfortable talking to my mother, older sister or friends about sex. Therefore, it's something I've explored in isolation by reading books, etc. I feel men talk about their sexual needs and desires with other men more easily. It's a way for them to bond,” says Farrah, 31. 

We live in a society that glorifies porn star sex and bends itself to the male ideal of sexuality. Women are told they need to be hot and ready, sexy, youthful, intelligent, supportive, independent-yet-submissive and completely satisfied with her man at all times in order to be desired and even loveable. “How’s it supposed to be?  ‘Mother Theresa in the nursery, Martha in the kitchen and Madonna (the singer) in the bedroom?” asks Yasmine.

This pressure to satisfy not only her partner-but his ego as well-becomes more intense when porn enters the picture.  With various studies reporting that 40-50 million people visit pornography sites “regularly” in the United States alone, it seems to be a principal player in the sex lives of numerous couples. This can have a woman feeling as though she needs to “put on a show” to compete with the women in the videos.
 
When a man regularly views women giving over-the-top performances that are entirely about female submission and male satisfaction, it can warp his idea of sexuality and his understanding about what pleases a woman. Many women who have tried to have sexually satisfying relationships with partners who use pornography find themselves being rejected in place of videos. “My husband has been so brainwashed by those movies that he actually seems to prefer them over real sex with me so it’s fake it and go crazy like the women in the movies or get no sexual attention at all,” says Patty*, 35.

Want to make certain you get yours? Here are some tips to help.

1. Practice on Your Own.
Masturbation is one of those words that can leave the most mature, intelligent and worldly woman blushing like schoolgirl looking at a topless photo of Johnny Depp. Self love can be difficult for women on all levels, especially sexually. Getting to know yourself intimately can be a yummy experience as long as you allow yourself to explore what turns you on and brings you pleasure (and what doesn’t) without judgment or shame. Make your solo time an experience by lighting candles or reading an erotic book or romance novel (available at your local bookstore or, if you’re a bit shy, through the anonymity of Amazon.com). If you are a woman turned on by pornography, don’t be ashamed to look at it and  if laying back and fantasizing about ole Johnny does it, feel free to live out your own pirate fantasy.

2. Relax, It’s Not a Competition.
Yes, orgasms are wonderful but approaching the desire to climax as though you’re being rated or as a way to prove your sensuality is a one-way ticket to bummer-ville.

3. Remember, “C” before “O”.
Most women cannot orgasm by way of penetration alone. The clitoris is the female equivalent of a penis and, just like the penis and it often takes a little stroking and attention in order to get things moving in the right direction.

4. Tell Your Partner What You Want (in a Sexy Way).
Whether it’s more oral sex, romance or caressing your back or breasts, whisper things you’d love for him to do for you in his ear. Many men get turned on by their mates verbally expressing what they love and he’ll also appreciate how into the act you are. The key is not to criticize him or dictate like a drill sergeant. Think, “I love it when you __________ my ________” and not, “Not that way, put your ______ here!”

5. Do Something Sensual For Yourself Every Day.
Whether you lighting candles, have a glass of wine and listen to your favorite love songs or jump into a hot, steamy shower after an endorphin-releasing run, there are dozens of ways to get to know the more sensual side of yourself,  know yourself on a sensual level. It’s hard to enjoy sex when you don’t see yourself in a sexual way.

6. Give Your Body a Little Boost.
In 2008 Durex performed a Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey of more than 26,000 respondents worldwide. The results showed that a mere 32 percent of women regularly achieve orgasm. The company introduced Utopia, a female arousal gel made of a proprietary blend of ingredients that helps increase sensitivity to the areas it is applied.


Brenda Della Casa is the internationally published author of Cinderella Was a Liar (www.cinderellawasaliar.com) and a freelance writer and columnist who specializes in romance, lifestyle and wellness features.  In addition to her writing, Brenda spent nine years interviewing thousands of men and women while casting some of television’s most well-known reality shows. Brenda's columns appear on and in Start Your Business Magazine, Iamstaggered.com, FiLife.com, Basil & Spice and Divorce360.com. She has been seen on The Today Show, iVillage Live and numerous other television and radio shows.Brenda has written for and been featured in dozens of publications including, Cosmopolitan, Psychologies, TheStreet.com, Men's Health, Hallmark, FHM, iVillage.com, Woman's Day, Cosmo Bride, The Mirror, The Sun, The NY Daily News, Health and Fitness, Fabulous, For Me, Company, Seventeen, Bliss, New Woman and many others. Her blog, Walking Barefoot can be seen at www.strollwithoutshoes.com

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