After a divorce, forgiveness is a different process for everyone. Some people never are able to even think about the possibility of forgiving their ex spouse, and some are able to shift their energy and let go of anger and resentment quickly. For others, forgiveness happens over time and gradually. Here’s our best advice about forgiveness.
1. You forgive all you can for the moment and then let yourself be.
There is no one way to do this. If forgiveness sounds too big and impossible to you, that’s ok.You might want to start with the intention to forgive when you are ready. This plants a seed of forgiveness in your mind and that may feel safer than diving right in. Essentially, you start the process when you turn in the direction of forgiveness, even if you don’t feel ready to “forgive” at this moment.
2. After you’ve turned in the direction of forgiveness, start laying down the heavy load you’ve probably been accumulating.
We recommend you start forgiving about something that seems small. If you can’t even consider forgiving your ex at this time, turn to a person in your life who you feel like you can forgive. Maybe it’s the person who cut you off in traffic this morning on your way to work. Build from that forgiving and soon you will be able to forgive for what feels like “bigger” things.
A good way to begin forgiving is when angry, blaming thoughts come into your head about this person, breathe and change them. Either think about something that is more pleasing to you or think about something positive about this person.
If we’re using the example of someone cutting you off in traffic, as the anger and maybe fear comes up inside you with the thought that you could have been killed, breathe and change your thoughts to “I’m here, I’m safe and I’m on my way to work.” You actually don’t know why that person was in a hurry — and that person may truly be troubled, not thinking straight. You might even say the words out loud — “I forgive you.” So to “forgive” him or her from cutting you off -– to not hold onto your anger and carry it with you to the office — is good practice for you in tackling bigger and more person issues.
3. Forgive for something smaller first.If your ex had an affair, you might not feel ready to forgive about the affair but perhaps you can forgive him or her for something else that feels “smaller.” Again, build from that forgiving. Perhaps the most important person to forgive is yourself. Even if you identify as the “wronged” one in your past relationship, you might blame yourself for the affair, for the arguments, for whatever you believe was the cause of your divorce. Just as you are practicing with others, start with the “small” stuff and forgive your way along.
4. Notice how lighter you begin to feel as you let go. Go easy on yourself if you meet tough spots and congratulate yourself for keeping the process going. The forgiveness process may not always be easy and may even be painful at times. We have seen and experienced that as you let go and forgive, you will feel relief and with relief comes ease and with ease comes the space for happiness and even joy.
Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.
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