Marriage Stress at Thanksgiving

    You're married -- and not so happily -- and you've got a house full of relatives coming over to celebrate a holiday that's about being thankful. So how do you celebrate Thanksgiving when you're not sure your relationship is going to make it through the holidays and the last thing on your mind is sitting down to a dinner with 20 of your closest friends and relatives? 

Psychotherapist Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of the book, "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin your Marriage," said stress is high during the holiday season. "Expectations of family bliss are high at Thanksgiving, encouraged by all the TV images of family having a lovely time, and that, plus the stress of being together for an extended period, plus the drinking, add up to a volatile mix," Tessina said.

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D., co-founder of hermentercenter.com, an organization dedicated to helping women in transitions, agreed: "There are expectations that the family will be grateful and that's not always the case..." she said.  

And this year, the stress is likely to be worse -- between mortgage problems, financial pitfalls and an increasingly high unemployment rate from layoffs from the economic crisis. "This year, with the financial crisis, it's putting more pressure on families," she said. "Today women are holding down full-time jobs and don't have the time and energy to take care of Thanksgiving in the traditional way."

"Thanksgiving can be the best of times and the worst of times. If it goes well, it can be a source of bonding and strength," Tessina said.

If you're dealing with marital stress caused by finances or other issues, Tessina warns: "Don't be surprised when the guys want to go off to the den and watch the game -- put that into the plans, and get the help you want from the guys beforehand."

If you're divorced, consider this a chance to "re-create your holiday experiences and expectations so they conform better to your new situation," she said.


STRESSED MARRIAGE? TIPS FOR THANKSGIVING

1. Lighten up your expectations. 
"To de-stress the day, get intentional about it," Tessina said. Understand what you, your ex and your children and extended family are thinking. "This is your real life, not a picture-book experience," Tessina said. "Family or friends may squabble, food may not turn out perfect, and they day may not go as well as people hope. A sense of humor will help lighten up the whole thing. Think of yourself as a trouble- shooter, rather than a designer of perfect scenarios. Find out what's really important to yourself and your family, and pare your celebration down to the important things. Focus less on making the perfect feast decorating, and more on spending time together, doing things you love."

2. Share the responsibility.
Make sure that your partner has some responsibility for making the day work and follows through, Goldberg said. Don't try for perfection during the holidays. "Allow guests to bring their signature dish, take up their offer to help with the dishes," she said. "Others may even be thankful to be able to lend a hand."

Tessina suggests allowing family and friends to help with food preparations. "A pot-luck Thanksgiving is easier than a made-from-scratch one, and may be more enjoyable. You'll find that a lot of camaraderie comes out of working together, and a lot of the fun will happen behind the scenes as you work with others to get ready. Your family and friends will feel more a part of the celebration if they actually create part of it.

3. Find the meaning in the day.
Once you’ve made your day easier and less stressful, you have room to add more meaning,Tessina suggested. "Encourage family members to talk about what's meaningful to them, or their favorite holiday memories. This is a great time to invite people who are spending these times without family, and to develop a new kind of celebration that includes everyone," she said.