Listen To The Judge

    Lynn Toler didn't let her childhood get the better of her. Instead, she used her experiences dealing with her father's erratic behavior from bi-polar disorder to share life lessons in her book, "My Mother's Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius." 

Toler, 49, is the judge of the television series "Divorce Court," which features real people in a courtroom setting where litigants abide by Toler’s legally-binding decisions.

A former administrative judge in Cleveland Heights Municipal Court for eight years, Toler oversaw 25,000 cases a year, presiding over hundreds of small claims, domestic violence, homicides, assault and stalking cases. She also started “Women Talk,” a mentor program to help at-risk high school girls with education.

In 2001, Toler went to Hollywood to host the second season of Twentieth Television’s syndicated “Power of Attorney.” She eventually took over as the judge on "Divorce Court," and also has been featured on "Decision House," which brings couples together tohelp them tackle their financial or emotional problems and make the decision to stay together or get a divorce.

Toler currently resides in Phoenix with her husband of 17 years and two children. Though she hasn't been divorced, she talked with Divorce360.com about her experience dealing with the legal and emotional issues behind divorce.

Divorce360.com: You've heard a lot of stories on your TV Show "Divorce Court." How have those stories affected you?
A: Most of the time they just make me grateful for the husband and life that I have. Our marriage isn’t perfect. Sometimes we aren’t having any fun at all! But in the end watching what happens on the show reminds me that, ups and downs notwithstanding, we have a good thing going. I also try to learn things. Clearly, the people on our show have problems that have gone to the extreme. Otherwise, they wouldn’t make good TV. But I have seen myself in some of the people that come before me. For instance, I have come to realize how all of that talking I do at home drives my husband crazy.  

I wrote the book because I don’t think people are emotionally well practiced. While on the bench in Cleveland Heights I realized that when regular people made mistakes its wasn’t because they didn’t know what to do but because they didn’t feel in a way that allowed them to do it. Then I watched people around me and realized the same thing. So often, it’s not what you know but how you feel that dictates what you do. My mother had been telling me that all my life. Not only that she taught me how to manage my emotions so they were less likely to  manage me. "My Mother’s Rules," is my attempt to pass that wisdom on.
 
Divorce360.com: What's the Smith and Wesson test and how does it apply to people who are divorcing?
A: This test takes issue with most people’s belief that they cannot help how they feel. It says that the phrase ‘I can’t’ is extraordinarily powerful and, more often than not, untrue. People say it all of the time when the truth is more acurrately ‘it’s hard’; ‘I don’t know how to start’ or ‘I really just don’t want to.’ This is an extreme comparison but I think it makes my point: A man having a seizure cannot stop but if I put a gun to your head I bet you’d be able to put that cookie down. That means you can stop but it is a matter of motivation. Thus reframed, the problem can be addresssed in a different way. 
 
You can decide how you will feel. But you must first believe that you are capable of it then you have to make a point to work on it. It is not easy but it can be done. You have to actually make a game plan designed with that purpose in mind and then follow it. For instance, a lot of people tell me they can’t get over their ex.   I’ll ask them ‘what have you done to help you get over him/her?’ And they have nothing to tell me. “It just won’t go away,” they say “I can’t stop loving them”.  The first part is true; the second isn’t. Such feelings don’t just go away. But you can work at replacing or lessening them if "You Work your Emotions like a Job."
 
Divorce360.com: How do you "Work your Emotions Like a Job" when it comes to marriage or divorce? 
A: If  you are trying to get over your ex, you have to have a game plan and work at it. No one will be able to say one thing or give you one piece of advice that is going to make you stop loving him or her. You have to actually target that feeling and work to make it go away. Some suggestions? Add a positive thing to your life that wasn’t there before. It can be as simple as taking a class or joining a bowling league. Or you can do something that is not objectively joyful but fulfilling. Help somebody.  Volunteer to assist people worse off than you. Nothing like an afternoon with the homeless or a crack baby to put your problems in perspective and garner your full attention. But it should be a new. Something the ex wasn’t a part of and something you enjoy or fills you with a sense of purpose. That will teach you that s/he was not your sole source of happiness or fulfillment and it will eventually give you an hour or two a week where you didn’t even think about them. If the first thing you pick doesn’t do it for you don’t say I can’t. Try somethig else.  
 
Next you have to make sure you don’t feed the need. Everytime you talk to you friend about it, ruminate over pictures, etc. you are feeding the pain and starving the recovery. So have a game plan for that. When you catch yourself thinking about it give voice to the fact that you’re doing it and its not helping you. Actually say it. Then have a task you are required to do everytime you catch yourself. Clean out a closet, lift weights -- anything that you don’t want to do but that will have positive effects on another aspect of your life. But it has to be something you must focus on so you have to stop the non-productive thought to do it. This is just the beginning but you get the picture right? Feeling differently requires specified effort. These are the kinds of things that work for me. You can work out something on your own that works for you.