Her Mentor Center: Spouse Returns from Iraq Angry

Q: My husband returned from Iraq a month ago and is not the same as when he left. He seems either preoccupied or angry. I feel awful for him but we're always fighting and I just don't want to try anymore. Is there anything I should do before looking into a divorce?  

A: Yours is a loaded question because so much can happen to marriages when couples are separated by war. No matter what, every relationship goes through transitions over time. However, when the changes are as a result of traumatic circumstances, with long separations and difficult readjustments, the emotional costs can be great.  

Know that you are not alone in this predicament. If you feel guilty, fearful or selfish about wanting your old life back, understand that these emotions are normal, valid and common. For your own well being, find a support group of military wives -- they can identify with what you are going through and will be eager to share their concerns and ideas. This, as well as engaging your support system of family and friends, will create some emotional safety for you.  

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Criteria Manual states that a person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has a variety of negative emotions as a result of being confronted by events that involve death and serious injury. It is possible that when your husband is preoccupied, he's experiencing flashbacks, which are intrusive recollections of his war experiences. And his outbursts of anger may well be symptomatic of his frustration of shifting from a combat to a civilian state of mind.  

When you say you don't want to try anymore, it is very clear that you are discouraged. But a month is not a long time if you really want to save your marriage. Try to learn more about what to expect when someone has gone through this kind of tormenting ordeal. If your husband is not being treated by a trained and experienced mental health professional, with the possibility of referral to a medication specialist or an anger management program, that could be a good place to begin.  

Let yourselves mourn the losses you have experienced during this period of separation. It takes time to heal, so be patient with each other. Stay away from hot topics and concentrate on small agreements rather than trying to solve the big problems. Engage in healthy behaviors that will help you cope with the stress. There is a strong biological connection between stress and sexual response, so focus on soothing touch rather than sexual performance right now. Reestablish your routines of daily living and take some time for the activities you remember enjoying together.  

Some veterans see having symptoms of combat-related stress as a weakness. By recognizing that your marriage is at stake, you will both be focusing on the relationship instead of only on your husband's problems. Couples' therapy can motivate mutual support as well as open the door to other sensitive issues. You can see a lawyer about the possibility of divorce soon enough if the situation doesn't improve in the next several months. And then, at least, you will feel that you had given reconciliation a fair chance.  



Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.