divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

help  :: advice
Print
Email

Have Problems Forgiving?


Have Problems Forgiving?


Four Must Do's To Forgive And Move On


By TINA TESSINA

    If you're in a relationship, there's always a chance for you to get your feelings hurt. But if your partner apologizes, you can hold onto the anger or forgive. Here are four steps to help you move forward.

1. Understand why you're hurt. 
If your partner angered you or hurt your feelings, blaming doesn’t make it clear exactly how you were hurt, or what exactly you need to forgive your partner for. Your partner or friend may not understand what he or she did wrong. Get clear on what upset you and why before you confront the problem. You should be able to explain what will fix the problem.

2. Ask for what you want. 

If someone who loves you has hurt you, he or she either doesn’t understand how you feel, isn’t thinking clearly, or isn’t in control of his or her own actions. Explain why you’re upset, and ask directly for what you want.

3. Let go of held anger and hurt.
 
If your partner apologizes, and is willing to do what you want, accept it.  Don’t hang on to your anger and desire to punish. Forgiveness is about accepting change and moving on. If you can’t do this, or the problem is too severe, get some help from a friend or counselor.

4. Have a forgiving ceremony.

This can be as simple as looking into your partner's eyes and saying “I forgive you;” or as complicated as renewing your vows after the problem is solved. What's important is that you communicate that the air is cleared, the hurt forgiven, and the problem is over. You won't be able to do that honestly if you haven't done the previous steps.

Tina Tessina, Ph.D., has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She has authored more than 11 books, including "Money, Sex and Kids"; “The Commuter Marriage: Keeping your Relationship Close While you’re Far Apart”; "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free"; "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again"; and, “It Ends with You: Grow Up and Grow Out of Dysfunction.”  Tina can be reached at tina@tinatessina.com.




divorce New this week::

Transition Institute: Telling Your Spouse You want to Split - Mental Health: The Dos, Don'ts of Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

 

Your Kid Wants To Live With Ex - Tips On How To Cope If Your Child Wants To Change Homes

 

Living with a Habitual Liar? - Relationships: Four Ways You Can Tell if Your Spouse is Telling You a Whopper

 

divorce Community::
popular blogs
get/give answers
expert Q&As
Faith Therapy : Does a Separation Work?
My Husband and I Are Having Trouble. Is It a Good Idea for Us to Separate?...read more 

Stress Relief: Tips to Help after Separation
Mental Health: Overwhelmed by Changes in Household Routine. What Should I do?...read more 

About Law: Do Divorce Kits Work?
Legal: What You Should Consider When You Think About Divorcing Using a Kit...read more 


expand information center
divorce360.com's ecards
ADVERTISING PARTNERS

Find divorce professionals in your area

Find lawyers
Find financial professionals
Find coaches
divorce focused content ::
divorce most popular ::
1. 14 Real Life Ways To Save Money
Do Divorce And Money Mix?

2. You Just Found Out They Cheated, Now What?
8 Things You May Not Know About Cheating

3. Dr. Romance: Boundaries with your Ex
Tips to Help if your Ex is Doing Things that Make You Feel Used, Resentful

4. Book Review: Cinderella Was a Liar
Prince Charming Isn't Coming: Enjoy your Single Life or your Partner, Either Way

5. Don't Get Even...Get Mad
Yes, Anger Can Save Your Relationship. Here's How.