Family Ties: Suicide Talk and Divorce

Q: My husband and I have been trying to keep our troubled marriage together for too long, and I have given up hope. I am ready to initiate a divorce, but here is my problem: My husband has told me, 'If you leave me, I can’t see going on without you. I would rather be dead than live without you.' I would like to believe that his remarks are nothing more than an idle threat, but if he did commit suicide I don’t know if I could forgive myself. And I can’t imagine what it would do to our children, who are ages 12 and 15. Please advise.  

A: The break up of a marriage is a risk factor for suicide. Some research suggests that divorced men are at greater risk for suicide than are divorced women because of several factors. First, women are more likely than men to form stronger social networks because they are socialized to share feelings,  which leads to deeper friendships. When women experience divorce or any other crisis, they are more likely than men to reach out for help and support from family and friends, and they are also more likely to seek professional counseling.

Men, on the other hand, are socialized to be tough, strong, and self-reliant, so they are less likely to seek help or support. Also, men often lose not only the role of spouse, but also the role of father as children are more likely to maintain their primary residence with their mothers. Finally, men are more likely than women to use more lethal methods of suicide, such as guns.            

Suicidal comments should always be taken seriously, so you are right not to assume that your husband’s remarks are just an idle threat. When anyone indicates suicidal thoughts or intentions, it is advisable to involve a mental health professional. You might suggest to your husband that you both go to a therapist to help you with your marital situation. Even if you are convinced that counseling cannot repair your marriage, get your husband into the therapy room and then convey your concerns regarding your husband’s suicidal remarks.

Then it becomes the responsibility of the mental health professional to assess your husband’s mental condition and to intervene accordingly. If your husband refuses to go to a mental health professional, you go alone and discuss your concerns with your therapist. In the meantime, you might remove any means of suicide that are present in your home (such as guns, pills). If you feel that your husband is in immediate danger of suicide, call 911. Do not talk about divorce further until professional help is involved.   


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Click here to read about the warning signs of suicide and to get help.


Caroline Schacht has a master’s degree in home economics and another in sociology. She has been trained as a divorce mediator and a teacher at East Carolina University, specializing in courtship and marriage classes. She is the co-author of several textbooks, including "Choices in Relationships and Understanding Social Problems." She can be reached a cschacht@suddenlink.net.