Faith Therapy: Feeling Like a Failure?

Q: I’m a 35-year old woman who gave my all to my 12-year marriage, and the divorce has left me with little to show for it.  No one in my family has ever been divorced, and I feel like such a failure after my divorce.  Is this normal? 

A: If your identity is strongly shaped by being a married person, you will have a more stressful reaction to the loss, according to research conducted by Degarmo and Kitson in 1996. 

Women who have been conditioned to feel responsible for the course of relationships often feel blame for what they and others may consider a “failure.” In addition to mourning the loss of marriage and dreams, women often relive the trauma of divorce repeatedly due to rejections by family members, particularly in families where divorce is uncommon and marriage highly valued, according to research conducted by Ahrons in 1994.   

A lack of support from others after a divorce adds more stress to an already difficult situation, according to research by Brugha, Bebbington, MacCarthy in 1990. The antidote is to connect with supportive people who have experienced similar feelings and have triumphed over them. This may be found in an established support group, or perhaps you can start one by asking co-workers, friends, neighbors, or church members if anyone else is having similar problems and wants to talk about it.

In the meantime, try and embrace the idea that there is no shame or failure in trying to love someone. There is, however, shame and failure in never having tried.   



Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.