divorce360.com | Faith Therapy: Disappointed in Marriage

Q: My husband has a tendency to pretend as though everything is fine with him emotionally. However, he blows up (verbally) with a litany of complaints about me and our relationship whenever I express even a hint of disappointment about something we don't have the money or time to do. He says he hates to disappoint those he loves, and he takes it very hard if he feels that is the case. He was frequently disappointed by his own family members as a child, and he remembers the sting all too well. This habit is driving a wedge between us because I find it difficult to know what he is truly thinking and feeling about me on a day-to-day basis coupled with the fact that his "blow-ups" frequently include him saying, "I'm done."

A: It is often the case that when a man truly loves his wife, he wants nothing more than to please her. The good news for you is that your husband is demonstrating a passion for keeping you satisfied, which has perhaps kicked into over-drive in such a way that it is now working against him, you, and the relationship. He sounds so fixated on avoiding the mistakes of his family experiences that he would like to think of himself as infallible in this area of disappointing others. In reality, he is human like everybody else, which occasionally means that we disappoint those we love.

On the other hand, be mindful of your facial and verbal expressions in response to these "disappointments." Oftentimes, the skin of men (in general) can be tissue-paper thin, and learning to respect his sensitivity in this area may help you to soften or silence your disappointments except for instances when it's a do or die kind of situation. Pick your responses and your battles carefully while giving him the gift of your patience to heal from his past wounds and grow through this vulnerability.

Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.

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