Everyone Wins Mediation: What Do You Expect?

    Before we can fulfill the demands of others effectively we must be able to sort out appropriate and inappropriate demands. So many resist, refuse and procrastinate in fulfilling requests because secretly they feel the demands that are being made of them are not appropriate or fair. Some are secretly resentful because needs of their own have gone unmet, and therefore have difficulty in giving. Clear boundaries are crucial in all relationships. In some situations boundaries are confused regularly. When this happens it becomes uncertain  which demands are appropriate and which are not. The first step in creating healthy boundaries is the process of sorting out.

ACTIVITY: Expectation Blueprint            
List your personal expectations for relationships. What demands seem appropriate to you, which do not. Do not be completely rational as you do this activity. Let yourself put down whatever occurs to you. Sometimes we have unconscious expectations that may or may not be rational. They still, however, hold sway in our lives and can prevent us from functioning well. In this initial sorting out exercise, the job is simply to discover what your true expectations are. Notice how many are being met and how many are not. Now notice which seem appropriate to you and which do not. If an expectations does not seem appropriate, just put a line through it for now. If an expectation does seem appropriate, place a check beside it.  

Negotiating Your Needs            
There is a difference between our expectations, (some of which are rational and some which are not), and our true needs. Before we know what our true needs are, we must see and sort out what we expect. As we do this, we can clearly discard certain expectations, and validate others. Those we validate can be considered our core expectations. They can also be thought of as our core needs in relationships. The first question we must ask ourselves about these needs is – do all these needs have to be met in order for us to be willing to be satisfied? Which needs are we receiving now? What are we giving back in return?
 
ACTIVITY: Journal            
Begin a journal and write a little every day about when and where our needs were met and when they were not. Pay attention to needs we thought were important, but that we could easily do without. This journal should also include, what it is we are giving in return. Each day make a list of what you received that day, and what you gave. Be simple, concrete and specific. Spend time doing this particular exercise. You will find it immensely valuable. 


Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.