Everyone Wins Mediation: Say What You Mean in Marriage

    When misunderstandings and miscommunication are allowed to sit and fester, they create havoc. Resentments build, obsessions grow, and relationships become tangled. A most crucial step in preventing conflict is being willing and able to take charge of communications – what you’ve heard and what you’ve said.          

Often there are worlds of difference between what we’ve heard and what the other has said. Feedback is crucial. Many are too proud to ask for feedback or to give it. They immediately assume they know what has been said. Most of the time they are wrong. As soon as any misunderstanding develops, realize that mis-communication is at the bottom of it. A feedback loop is required. This can instantly short-circuit bad feelings.

A feedback loop is simply the immediate response to a communication. The individual who notices that there is a misunderstanding says, “I would like to clarify what we’ve said to each other.” Then he/she proceeds to communicate what it was he/she heard.          

Just the willingness to clarify the communication, and not blame the other, is an overt act of friendship and good will and usually responded to as such. The person then feeds back what it is he/she thinks he heard. This gives the other party the chance to make appropriate corrections. From here further communication often naturally takes place.           

However, there are communications which take place, not for the purpose of clarification, but for the purpose of hiding, dissembling, confusing or intimidating. These too must be confronted immediately.

ACTIVITY: Silent Killer Communications.     
Make a list of the times you become caught in the grip of misunderstandings. What kind of communication has taken place? What has the intention behind the communication been? Have both parties been honest and straightforward?  Take a look at the effect confusing communications have upon you? Take a look at the times you use them? Isn’t there a better way?

Constructive Responses To Unwanted Communications.     
Unwanted and unclear communications cause misunderstandings. Because an individual has been thrown off guard, or because the communication has been threatening, invasive, misleading or undermining, the recipient of this communication is often struck dumb. They do not know how to respond. (This can be the intention behind these kinds of communications.) Individuals caught in the grip of this may retreat and feel they need time to think things over and decide what they should do or say. This is not a positive response in a situation like this.        

A constructive response to this situation is to catch the communication (and the communicator on the spot). Reflect back to them what you heard, or what you think you heard. Do not blame accuse or blame them for anything, and do not address the purpose of the communication. Just reflect back exactly the message you received. For example, you would say, “What I heard you say was….” Or, “What I’m feeling now about your communication is …..unclear, concerned, or whatever emotion hits you.”       

When a truthful response is given immediately, lies, deceit and manipulation are uncovered, their power is taken from them, and conflict is not allowed to grow. The individual who has made the unclear communication is now being offered an opportunity to respond honestly. If they give another unclear or unwanted response, the party being communicated to, simply reflects this back once again. This is a simple, but very powerful technique for defusing misunderstanding and taking the power from mixed messages and all other kinds of deceptive communication.

ACTIVITY: Quick communication technique.   
Write down the times in the past when you were befuddled, upset or stopped in your tracks by someone’s communication. How did you handle it? Now, in your mind, re-do these instances by using the reflecting back technique, described above. How does it feel? List the people in your life who are communicating in ways that are unsettling to you. Practice the quick communication technique of reflecting back first in your mind, and then do it the next time the chance arrives at work. 

When conflict persists, try a round of relationship mediation. Learn how to resolve conflict and build supportive relationships.


Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.