Everyone Wins Mediation: Lying to your Spouse?

    So much hurt and pain arises from our feeling of having been betrayed. Not only does this undercut the foundation of our relationships, but it can cause us to lose trust in ourselves. We blame ourselves for having been deceived, for not being smart enough to realize what has been going on. 

Trust has been violated. We do not now know what to put our faith in. The following are forms of betrayal in relationships. Check to see if you are involved in them. If so, you will have a key to correcting pain, loss and disappointment in your relationships.

Forms of Betrayal   
         
Betrayal comes in many disguises. Cheating in relationships is one of the most common. However, other forms are equally destructive. Little, white lies are common; many fib, exaggerate, and spin tales naturally, as if it were expected. Yet, these little lies also undermine the fabric of our relationship both with another and with ourselves.            

There are many ways in which we lie to ourselves and others. It is so important to become clear about this because lying causes us to forget who we truly are, what we are here for, and how to find joy and meaning in our lives. As we lie, we build a wall of fantasy that we become trapped in. We lose sense of our direction and of what is really happening, moment by moment. As we lose touch with basic truthfulness, more lies (or delusions) develop. These begin to seem real. The danger escalates, both to us and others.            

Lying includes not simply saying untruths, it includes exaggeration, communicating mixed messages, implying things you do not mean. Lying includes non-verbal communication - acting one way when you feel another. It includes the unwillingness to communicate - shutting yourself off. You are lying to another by withholding the truth of who you are.            

When we minimize, dismiss, deny and pretend something isn't happening we are also engaged in lying. Often to ourselves.            

It takes great strength and courage to look at what is before us, to see it as it is, and go on from there. As we grow able to do this, lies and the need for lying fades away. Games, pretenses and casual promises not kept, are other forms of betrayal and lying. Whether or not we realize it, we are creating confusion and lack of balance. When these forms of deception become habitual, they become a silent poison, taking joy and fulfillment away in ourselves and others away.            

A hypocritical person, one who plays games, says on thing and does another. He pretends to be someone he is not. He usually wants honor, acclaim, wealth, or stature that is not his due. This is another way form of deception. Some hypocrites are so lost, they have truly forgotten who they are. When hypocrisy goes to the extreme, we see con men or sociopaths. Beware hypocrites. Beware being hypocritical as well.


EXERCISE: Give Up A Lie A Day

If you get in touch with the ways you live with lies in your life and go cold turkey for one day, you will be amazed, at how good it will feel.

A. Write down all the lies you tell yourself and others.

B.  Next to each lie, write down what purpose it serves.

C.  Next to each lie, also write, what the effects it has upon you -- and the one you lie to.

D.  Go Cold Turkey. Just for today. Cut it all out. Just stop it. Remember it's just for today. See how it feels to stop it. Take a deep breath and rejoice.  


Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.