Everyone Wins Mediation: Disappointment in Marriage

    `Very often misunderstandings are a distorted response to disappointment and/or loss. When something in the person’s communication has disappointed us, or we feel we’ve  lost something we’d wanted and expected from them, the usual reaction is to become upset, withdraw and nurse our wounds. At this time most individuals are unable to stay clear and really listen to what is being said.           

It is essential to spot this situation and immediately communicate to the other – “I am disappointed by this.” Firstly, communicating our disappointment takes the immediate sting out of it. We become more available then to hear what is being heard in response. Secondly, we are giving the person an immediate opportunity to correct any miscommunication that may have been made. Many times the other is amazed to find that their communication has caused disappointment. They often become interested in discovering why and trying to work things through.            

Quickly communicating what is true for you in the situation has magical effects at times. In the beginning it can be difficult to do this, but over time it is a wonderful tool in avoiding confusion and building relationships that are sure to grow.  

ACTIVITY: Overcoming Disappointment and Loss         
In order to avoid getting caught in this trap, it is valuable to know what it is you are wanting from another, and what it is you are afraid to lose. Make a list of the important people in your life and write down what you want from each of them. What is at stake in your relationship? How can you help make it happen? Write down three triggers for yourself to remember to avoid responding to disappointment when communicating with these individuals.         

Creating An Atmosphere Where Everyone Wins            
Win-win relationships are those based upon a principle of mutual support and success. One does not have to lose for another to win. Each only wins when the other does. An example of a win-win relationship is a man drowning in the ocean and someone jumping in to save him. They both must win together. The success of one is the success of both.            

Although many individuals measure themselves and base their sense of self worth upon beating out their opponent, this way of being can take a heavy toll. The other is experienced as the adveersary rather than partner. One must always be on guard, and not able to reap the rewards of true cooperation. A sense of being cared for and supported by the other is missing. However, when individuals feel cared for and supported they always do their best.         

Some individuals, surprisingly enough, have a difficult time allowing themselves to be supported. They feel it is a sign of weakness. Other individuals have a difficult time extending support. But all healthy relationships are built upon mutual trust and support.

ACTIVITY: Personal Support Inventory            
Take a look at your relationships in terms of opponents vs. friends. Do you see others there to support you or to contend with you? How much are you willing to be supportive of others? What happens when you are?  


Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.