Everybody Wins Mediation: Should He Keep Secrets?

    Many of us believe that if we are close to our man, we should know everything he is thinking, the secrets he keeps are little enemies, tearing us apart. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is absolutely necessary for each person in a relationship to have their own personal world, their thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to them and no one else.

Being close doesn’t mean being “fused” into one person. It means loving, honoring and respecting the other and sharing what it is that can be shared. If a person feels that there is no room for them to have their own thoughts and experiences in a relationship, they can feel that their individuality and sense of self is slipping away. Here are 4 secrets that men often keep to themselves, and why it is important to let them do so.  

1. That he looks at and is attracted to other women.
Don’t pry into this. A man who doesn’t look at anyone, or feel anything for them is either very old, very tired or lying. There is nothing wrong for a man to look at and admire other women, as long as he does it discretely, and doesn’t use it to make you insecure. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you desirable. If you ask them to talk about it, they can often feel embarrassed and exposed. Enjoy his love for you and leave well enough alone.  

2. Details of his past relationships.
There’s no need to probe this, however. He was a different man in the past. Don’t hold his past wrongs against him. He doesn’t want to be reminded of them and particularly doesn’t want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be who is he now and feel good about how he is with you. The best way to forget the past is to feel happy, close and safe with you.

3. Whether he’s really happy in the relationship.
This makes most men feel pressured, on the line and restless. They don’t know exactly what you want them to tell you or what it’s going to mean. Some fear repercussions. Communication that’s healthy in a relationship is ongoing. It’s good to set up a situation where both of you can express your feelings as they arise – have them heard and attended to.

4. If he enjoys being with his friends more than you.
Some women want to be included in everything as proof of their man’s love for them. When the guy has spent time with his buddies, they want to know if he enjoyed that time more than being with them. Time spent with buddies is crucial for many men, it is a time of male bonding that is greatly needed, no matter how much he cares for you.

Truly loving someone means allowing them to be all of whom they are – fulfilling all their needs and realizing that no matter how much they love you they also need others in their lives. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can then give to you.      


Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.