Everybody Wins Mediation: Angry at Spouse?

    Anger is a lethal force that undermines our lives in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it erupts openly and other times it camouflages itself and covertly undermines relationships. Some feel it is necessary in order to get what they want out of a situation. Others feel it is always necessary to fight for what is important to them. These individuals feel they have a right to express anger, that it provides them a sense of strength and power.

However, the sense of strength that anger provides is false and temporary. When it passes, the individual often feels weaker and more confused than before. When we think only of our own welfare in a situation, our ability to see the large picture is diminished and our responses are partial and faulty. Here are two important steps to take to help defuse anger and become able to make decisions that are clear and helpful to all.

STEP 1: Stop Casting Blame.       
Blaming others (and ourselves) is an expression of hurt, disappointment and helplessness and never leads to a constructive solution. Stop casting blame. By blaming others you are disempowering yourself. By taking responsibility you are taking back control. Stop a moment and see the situation through your opponent’s eyes. When you do this blame dissolves on the spot. The best defense against being hurt is to feel good about yourself, to remember that the way a person responds to you says more about them, than about you. As you stop casting blame you will be letting go of all kinds of resentments. Resentment inevitably affects our well-being and constricts our lives. Look for and find what is positive in each individual and situation. Focus on that.

STEP 2: Create Realistic Expectations.
There is nothing that makes us more angry and hurt than expectations we’ve been holding onto that have not been met. It is important to become aware of our expectations. Are they realistic? Does the other person hold similar expectations in the relationship? Once we let go of unrealistic fantasies, clarity about what to do in present time is greatly increased. As this happens, spontaneous, healing solutions become available on the spot.         



Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.