Dr. Romance: Spouse is a Control Freak

    Is your spouse a control freak? It is driving you to distraction? Here are three tips to keep your relationship on track, keep you sane and stop you from going to divorce court.

1. Control freaks can be very successful.
If yours is, give credit where credit is due. Don’t worry about your spouse’s controlling tendencies. Just don’t be controlled by them.  If your spouse can have a sense of humor about it, then your marriage will be fine. If the control escalates into abuse, you need to get to counseling, fast. 

2. Control freaks are often very insecure – controlling things is soothing to them.
So, give your controlling spouse things to control. Put him or her in charge of things. Money is a great one. Schedules are another. Ask him or her to make phone calls to vendors and repair people, to sort through those messy tax files. You can go your merry way, and let the controlling spouse take charge of the stuff you don’t care about. Regard the controlling as a talent you can use in your service.

3. To succeed with a control freak, you need to have a sense of humor, and some compassion. 
The most likely reason for needing to control is that childhood was utter chaos, or the penalties for making mistakes in childhood were severe. Praise, calmness and a sense of humor works wonders. Tell your control freak how good he or she is at doing things. Say thank you for whatever has been neatly controlled. Stay calm when your spouse gets panicky, and use gentle teasing “You are so cute when you get all uptight about the bills” to jolly your spouse away from the panicky situation.

Tina Tessina, Ph.D., has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She's authored more than 11 books, including "Money, Sex and Kids."  She can be reached at tina@tinatessina.com.