Do You Have A "Me" or "We" Marriage?

    The inability to take charge of our focus causes a great deal of unnecessary upset in relationships. How many of us can be with our partner fully, without allowing endless distractions to get the better of us? Our attention is competed for by endless people, calls, thoughts, worries, memories, fantasies and needs. One of the greatest blocks to healthy relationships is the inability to be present and available right here, right now.

Mindfulness is another word for awareness, being awake to what is needed of us, to what another is really saying or wanting, and to the ways in which we can reply. As mindfulness develops, we become able to clear our mind of what is not appropriate or relevant.

1. Activity – Mindfulness Practice.            
Stop what you are doing at least three times a day and pay conscious close attention to what you are doing right now. To begin this, just sit still at your desk, back straight, and pay attention to your own breathing. Silently count your breaths from one to ten. Do this several times. This calms and steadies the mind and allows it to be placed on what is in front of it now. As you start to do this, you will see how hard it is to simply follow and count your breaths without being interrupted by many thoughts. Many of these random thoughts which arise are negative or fearful, creating doubt in our partner and ourselves. Most negative thoughts untrue. It’s best to just notice them and let them go. Withdraw your belief in them. When the thoughts arise, simply note them and return to the breath. As you do this over and over your ability to focus will grow stronger and negative thoughts will lose the power they have over you.  

Unfinished Business.            
Another cause of conflict in relationships is dwelling upon issues from the past or from other relationships that have not yet been resolved. For instance, if we are upset with an individual in the family, it can be easy to project it upon someone else. If we feel lonely and misunderstood at home, we can place more needs for emotional nourishment than is appropriate on those we interact with. It is important to resolve unfinished business from the past, so it is not carried over into the present. We must know what belongs where. 

2. Activity – Realizing What Belongs Where.            
An excellent tool to use when trying to put things in your personal life in its proper place is called conscious labeling. As negative thoughts about our relationship arise in our minds, we label them. As soon as we step back from a thought or feeling and label it for what it is, we take the power it has over us away. Rather than being swept up by the thought, we view it objectively. This brings us back to the reality of where we are no. After labeling one or many thoughts that are disturbing us, we return our attention to where we are now, and are clearer, more able to be in the present and see the many solutions to problems that are always just a breath away. As we do this process over and over, we become less susceptible to being caught by negativity and more aware of what is truly going on in present time and how to respond.



Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.