Book Review: The Commuter Marriage

    Do you know a married couple who live far apart because of their jobs? Are you one of those couples? If you answered yes to one or both, you're one of the millions of American couples in a commuter marriage.

Whether your spouse is a long-distance trucker or stationed overseas in the military, long-distance marriages are becoming more common in the United States. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of married Americans who said their spouses lived elsewhere -- not including those who were separated -- increased 21 percent from 1994 to 1998 -- to 2.1 million.

Today, more than 3.2 million American couples live separately because of their jobs, a 26 percent increase since 1999, according to Tina B. Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif., therapist and author of a number of self-help relationship books.

"Most of the literature on commuter marriage maintains that many more wives follow their husbands to new locations because of career, than husbands who follow wives, which is also what my counseling practice reflects," Tessina said. "But, because women are becoming more career-oriented, they are often less willing to just pick up from a job they love and move because hubby had a great offer somewhere else."

Statistics show that 80 percent of the American workforce is now made up of two-career couples, and 60 percent of all workers are women. "Two career couples are more likely to find themselves spending time living apart than couples with one stay-at-home partner, and the great ease of transportation today means there are many more jobs that require extensive travel," Tessina said. "When both partners work, the likelihood is that they’ll face commuting at some point during their marriage."

That trend has also proven true in the military, she said: "Not only does the war take husbands away from their wives, but the greater involvement of women in the military means that more husbands are also left behind during wartime deployment."

Tessina, also known as Dr. Romance on her blog, recently published a new book called "The Commuter Marriage," by Adams Media. The book, which is available for $14.95, gives tips on how couples can make the distance between them less significant and keep their relationship on track while they're far apart. Tessina recently shared some of her thoughts on the topic with Divorce360.com.

Divorce360.com: What is a commuter marriage?
A: Any marriage or committed relationship where the couple spend significant time apart -- it may be because of work commuting, a job (like fireman, trucker, flight attendant) that requires days away, military deployment, or just opposite schedules. 

Divorce360.com: Are there different types of commuter marriages?
A: For you and your partner, commuter marriage may mean:

• You’re living apart, temporarily or for a long time.
• You spend days or weeks apart sporadically or on a regular schedule. 
• You both live full-time in the same house, but rarely see each other because of work schedules. 
• You may have chosen this lifestyle by preference or been forced into it by circumstance. 
• One or both of you may be traveling, frequently or occasionally, but not together. 
• One of you is forced to travel far away for long periods of time, either because you work in the military or some other traveling occupation.

Any of these situations can be called a commuter marriage. Perhaps you’re not married, or you’re contemplating marrying. Perhaps you’re in this situation because you met while living far apart, and your relationship has progressed to commitment or marriage, but you’re still not living together. Many commuter marriages begin as Internet dating, or because the partners met while traveling for work or other reasons, or with partners who met at college, and whose careers took them to different places.

Divorce360.com: What tips do you have for couples who are far apart from one another?
A: Here are three tips to help.
 
1. Keep your communication up-to-date and flowing.
Because you're not in constant contact, information can easily get lost. In the book, I outline all the modern technology that can help you share your lives when you're apart.

2. Keep sex and intimacy alive, and jealousy in check:
Talk about loneliness, temptation, have phone sex, have face-to-face sex as often as possible.

3. Plan carefully:
If the separation is voluntary, do as much planning in advance as possible. Get as many real facts as possible and talk to other people who've had similar experiences.  Get connected with support systems.  If it's involuntary, you need the support even more.