divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

help  :: advice
Print
Email

Are You The One Who Wanted It To Work?


Are You The One Who Wanted It To Work?


3 Must Do's + 2 Don'ts That Can Help You Today


By TINA TESSINA

Are you about to be dumped? Your mate/date is losing interest? The signs are: lack of attention in conversation and being together; irritability -- refusal to talk about it, no sex or less interest. Here's what to do if you ARE dumped.

1. DO put it in perspective:
If you're dumped, it hurts, but count your lucky stars. You don’t have a relationship if the other person's not really interested.


2. DO understand that there were problems already:
It's never easy to find out that your relationship, long or short, is over. Once bonded, even if the relationship is terrible, both men and women have trouble breaking away. So if you’re dumped, the other person really wanted out.  

3. DON'T idealize a bad relationship:
In counseling people who got dumped, every client realized the warning signs that were ignored early in the relationship. Don’t pick out the few good moments you remember and ignore what wasn’t working.

4. DO try to learn from the experience:
After the initial upset, review the dynamics of the relationship and analyze what went wrong, what you could have done differently, and what you learned. There’s no need to give yourself a hard time about it, just process the information, so you don’t repeat mistakes.

5. DON'T expect closure from the dumper:
It is lovely when two civilized grown-ups can dissect what happened in the relationship, tell the truth, ask for forgiveness and absolve each other. But this usually happens years later. Closure requires getting truthful answers to your questions about what happened -- to understand why. After a breakup, both of you are upset, hurt, and guilty and probably won’t be telling the truth, even if you understand it. Neither of you really wants to hear the truth this soon. Longing to talk "just once more" to your ex is just asking for pain.

Tina Tessina, Ph.D., has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She has authored more than 11 books, including "Money, Sex and Kids"; “The Commuter Marriage: Keeping your Relationship Close While you’re Far Apart”; "How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free"; "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again"; and, “It Ends with You: Grow Up and Grow Out of Dysfunction.”  Tina can be reached at tina@tinatessina.com.




divorce New this week::

The Truth About 'Divorce-Proofing' And 'Affair-Proofing' Your Marriage - What none of the so-called relationship/marriage experts is willing to admit

 

Divorce Survival: 5 Tips For Making It Through That First Year - Think you'll never feel normal again?

 

5 Keys to Co-Parenting Success After Divorce - It won't always be easy

 

divorce Community::
popular blogs
Can it be better post divorce?
Yes, yes it can!  How do I know this?  I'm living it.  Granted, I'm still...read more 

To those who think my kids and I "got it all"....
This is  my exit from this site after a short return.  Just a note to those who...read more 

"Mommy, why do people get married?"
My youngest daughter sat on the stool next to me in the kitchen this...read more 

get/give answers
Facebook
Question: Assuming you are relatively amicable, would you want to be FB friends...Read Answers/share yours 

Boundaries
I recently posted about how my husband's ex texts him at all hours of the day...Read Answers/share yours 

Under 30 No Kids?
Looking for others coming out of a shorter marriage where the relationship...Read Answers/share yours 

expert Q&As
Faith Therapy : Does a Separation Work?
My Husband and I Are Having Trouble. Is It a Good Idea for Us to Separate?...read more 

Stress Relief: Tips to Help after Separation
Mental Health: Overwhelmed by Changes in Household Routine. What Should I do?...read more 

About Law: Do Divorce Kits Work?
Legal: What You Should Consider When You Think About Divorcing Using a Kit...read more 


expand information center
divorce360.com's ecards
ADVERTISING PARTNERS

Find divorce professionals in your area

Find lawyers
Find financial professionals
Find coaches
divorce focused content ::
divorce most popular ::
1. Could They Be Cheating?
11 Signs You Can Look Out For Today

2. Why Do Spouses Cheat?
Infidelity: Experts Say Men Want Sex, Women Want Emotional Support

3. Are You Reading Your Spouses Text Messages?
Stop! It May Be Illegal & May Hurt Your Case

4. Eager To Check Those Texts?
Think your Spouse is Cheating? Professionals Can Check Text Messages

5. 8 Things No One Ever Tells You about Divorce
Number Three May Surprise You