Are You Headed for a Split?

Puhn says at the bottom of this and most relationship problems is communication. “It’s all about knowing good communication skills and how to resolve conflicts. My research shows that 69 percent of divorcing couples have reported unresolved arguments which lead  to feelings of hopelessness.”    

3. Over-scheduling commitments and/or spending lots of time on the computer or Blackberry.
Less face-to-face time, when it is intentional on one or both spouses parts, is strong indicator that a marriage is in jeopardy. “Look, there’s a certain amount of work that a person has to do but if you see it’s becoming more and more and more, and it continues to increase, especially over the holidays, that’s called distancing,” said Cardi. When one partner is unwilling to spend any time for personal time for the two of you, she says, you have a problem. “If you don’t spend any time together you can’t have intimacy” she said. “You can’t just e-mail each other to keep your marriage together.”   

4. Change in the manner in which a spouse handles his or her money.
From a lawyer’s perspective, according to Cardi, the shifting around of accounts is far more telling than a spouse may let on. “People will come to me and say, ‘My husband changed accounts. He’s moving money.’ That’s a sign to me that he’s already ready to get out of the marriage and move onto the divorce stage.”    

5. Daydreaming about being single or with someone other than your spouse.
According to Puhn, this is the most serious sign of all because daydreaming often happens right before the divorce. “Daydreaming happens because all the other things make you start to feel hopeless,” said the 30-year-old mediator. “You begin to think what would life be like if you weren’t together. Maybe you don’t actually want to get divorced, you want to stay together, but you are so disillusioned that you allow yourself to wonder what would today be like.” Which usually leaves you open for an affair, she added. “If you are daydreaming, you have the greater responsibility to lead the charge or go to counseling.”    

The list can go on and on, but often times varies from couple to couple. But the question that hangs in the air is: How to stop the freight train in its tracks? “Talk about it and face the fact that the communication problems exist. It helps to have a third party – a professional -- involved,” said Puhn. “But quite frankly, you have to fix your marriage when you start your marriage. It is a natural state for people to discover more differences and pull apart as their marriage moves along. In order to stay connected, it requires a lot of devotion and attention to detail, that’s part of the plan to not get divorced–addressing it when it happens.”   



Lenore Skomal is author of nine books and columnist of an award-winning weekly column in the Erie, Pa., Times-News, she also teaches college journalism in Pennsylvania.