After Break-up, Humor Helps

About 90 miles to the northeast, John Buckles wonders about his own sense of humor. The Westerville, Ohio, pastor shares a deep passion and concern for his family, friends, church members and those who have endured life's hardships. He's aware of his own sense of humor. It helped him cope when his first marriage ended in a dissolution; it helps him today when the pressures of work, marriage - happily, he says, for 12 years - and kids (2) test his 51-year-old resolve.
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He wonders about a lot of things regarding his own humor: Does it work? Do others see it the way he intends it? And, when asked, is it something a person is born with or can it be developed?

"I don't think you're categorically born with a sense of humor," says Buckles, who runs marathons in his spare time. "Humor is tied to other things. It's tied to the grid you have -- certain situations you have it and others you don't - but it doesn't operate in a vacuum. It's tied to your own internal, emotional self personal talk. It's tied to your humanity."

Buckles says he finally agreed to a dissolution in his first marriage as a desperate last step. It was something he didn't treat lightly and something he'd never want to go through again, though he appreciates the strength it built in his character.

"The cool thing is I forget I'm divorced because of the healing that went on. I look back now and never could have envisioned that," he says.

When considering the role humor can play in a person's makeup, Buckles decided to check out its benefits. He went to the Internet, googled "Sense of Humor" and saw the upsides - it helps you feel better, lowers your blood pressure, kicks out the endorphins.

"And it draws people in and connects you," he says.

One person drawn to Buckles is good friend Scott McAfee, another Buckeye marathoner and regular attender of Buckles' church on Columbus' north side. He's known Buckles for about two years and is impressed by his positive outlook on life.

"He talks up others, is self-effacing and very humble. He's approachable and perfectly suited to be a connections pastor. I know he puts a lot of people at ease," McAfee says. "But he's also human, going through what we all go through. I've often told him he has no idea how positively he has impacted people by just being the way he is."
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Buckles contends his humor comes, in part, from not taking himself too seriously. Anyone going through a life crisis, divorce included, can fall into the trap of seeing no further than his or her own problems.

When that happens, there's no room for humor because thinking of others has been eliminated, replaced by a woe-is-me attitude that crowds out an appreciation for life's lighter moments. "If it starts and ends with you, you won't see humor in the room or creation but will only look at yourself," he says. "You can only have so much humor if you treat yourself too seriously and are too self-focused. When I was broken and humbled and gave my situation over to God, I released it to Him; then you're freed and can laugh."

Indianapolis' Pickett agrees completely. She says the need to develop or retain a sense of humor isn't simply helpful, it's a necessity for healing. She points to the releasing of endorphins in the brain that elevate a person's mood when triggered through positive emotions. Science aside, a good laugh makes everyone feel better.

"In a divorce, so much of what happens deflates a person's mood which causes a downward spiral of self-esteem and self-worth," she says. "Laughter, even a little bit per day, can help to reclaim both."

Brian Guth has worked for newspapers in Indiana, Michigan, North Carolina and Ohio in a 20-year career.