Divorce Coach: Ex as Business Partner

    Countless people who have gotten divorced have difficulty shifting their relationship with their ex-spouse for emotional reasons. We fall in love, build dreams together and work hard to achieve those dreams once we're married. We become highly invested financially and emotionally in our partners. So if we decide to divorce, it should come as no surprise that we are ill prepared to deconstruct what we worked so hard to achieve.

Separation, loss of family, loss of your relationship, suffering financial setbacks, splitting up assets and dividing parenting time take a lot out of us. All of those things are part of coping with divorce. While most of us, would like to believe our ex-spouse, whom we couldn’t live with, will now be cooperative during the divorce process is not realistic. To change the current dynamic that led you to divorce, you have to shift your relationship from an emotional one during the marriage to a business relationship after the divorced.

This shift from intimacy to business partners decreases emotional intensity, creates distance and positions you in a new role. The new business goal is to deconstruct the life you shared together and build a new one.

Begin with a list of objectives:

• What's your financial plan?
• What's your earning potential?
• What are your academic requirements?
• What communication style works for you?

Prepare a home plan:

• Will you move?
• Where will you move?
• What is needed for the home?

 
Develop a parenting plan based on custodial arrangements:

• What's the visitation schedule?
• What's the holiday schedule?
• What's the chore list?
• What's the emergency pla?
• What financial support is available?
• What about after-school activities?
• What about religious training?

Don't forget a list of rules for your children.

Flexibility will be needed and tested throughout the division process. Remain patient to come to a fair and swift resolution. And think of your soon-to-be ex as a business partner. That may make all the difference in the world.



Clare Heicklen is a marriage family therapist with an M.A. in clinical psychology. She has worked in private practice in adult, child and family therapy and is a member of the American Associationf or Marriage and Family Therapy. She can be reached at pmjh@sbcglobal.net .