Divorced on Father's Day?

5. Don’t let distance stop you.
“Celebrate Father’s Day regardless of whether or not you will see your kids,” said DiCaro. “Send them a card, call them, or send them an e-mail telling them how much you love them and how proud you are to be their dad.”  

6. Make way for daddy.
Because she usually has custody, mom is often the gatekeeper who can either make it easier for dad to be part of the children’s lives or much more difficult. “In a divorce, it’s helpful to the children if the mother encourages them to participate in the Father’s Day celebration, especially in joint custody families. Where the mother is less friendly that can be a problem,” said Dr. Wallerstein.  

Dr. Canfield agrees, “It’s critical for moms to project the positive things about the relationship she has with the children’s father. While mom may need to find a place to process the emotions so she can get to the place of speaking well about her children’s father, it’s very helpful if she can reframe and revisit things that have occurred and speak respectfully about those in front of the kids because divorce hits kids like an earthquake in China. It really helps them adjust if they don’t have to deal with the negative banter.”  

7. Practice forgiveness.
If the wife left for the boyfriend and she’s got the kids, plus alimony and child support, men can feel like they’re stuck paying the price for someone else’s bad decisions. “Many dads are a bomb ready to go off. They’re full of anger, bitterness, and rage. That won’t do any one any good,” said Dr. Canfield. “Regardless of what happened, they have to resolve the personal emotional issues related to distance or difficulty of divorce for the sake of their relationships with their children. They can start by thinking of her as their children’s mother, rather than the ‘ex.’ If they fail to do this, they lock up their kids and keep them in a protected state where they can’t experience forgiveness for something they had no part in.” Journal. See a therapist. Find a place where you can tell it like it is and process the fury.  

Meanwhile, maintain a consistent relationship with your child and don’t get pulled into dissing their mother no matter what she’s done. “When you do that, you put the child in cycle of despair because you’re constantly saying what  a lousy mom she was. For a child to become healed and whole, they need someone who’s walked through valley of the shadow of death and not been overcome by fear of losing the relationship with the  child over something you have done. Put the negative stuff beyond reach. There will always be a time when the child will come to you and say what really happened between you and mom. They will seek you out but you shouldn’t push that or prompt that,” said Dr. Canfield.  

8. Take responsibility to get what you want.
Traditionally, mom helps the kids pick out gifts for dad and takes care of figuring out dinner. If you’re a divorced dad, you can try asking your ex if she’d be willing to do this. You can return the favor by helping the kids get ready for her birthday or Christmas or any other special day. But, let’s face it, some women will be too buried in their story to agree.  

“The relationship gets complicated when two biological parents separate,” said Wohlmut. “If the biological dad is expecting the biological mom to do something to help the kids celebrate fathers, you’re now back into a relationship that didn’t work in the first place.” Wohlmut suggests that the stepmom help the kids get ready for Father’s Day if the biological mom isn’t up to it. “Just make sure she doesn’t tell the kids what they’re going to do without involving them in the decision making process. She should help them do whatever it is they want to do,” said Wohlmut.  

Reach out and ask other men for their help. “Men, for a variety of reasons tend not to support of each other,” said DiCaro. “There are many dads who have great knowledge of parenting and good relationship skills. But, fathers haven’t really been affirmed in our culture. So, they don’t tend to think these skills are very valuable. If you see someone who’s doing a great job as a father, ask for their help in learning the skills that made them successful.”  

“In the end, it’s about love, respect, generosity, kindness, understanding, and support for one and other to reach our full potential as humans,” said Wohlmut. And isn’t that what good manners are all about?  



Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers in Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and Washington, D. C. Author of four books, including "An Affair of the Mind," she has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality. She can be reached at lhall@together.net.