Divorced on Father's Day?

    This June 15th, Americans will fire up the grills to honor the men in their lives. Whether you're married or divorced, a single dad or a stepfather, retailers expect those eager to honor dads of all kinds will spend more than $9 billion on gifts.

Father’s Day was started as a way to honor a single parent. Sonora Dodd celebrated the first Father’s Day on June 19, 1910 in honor of her father, William Smart, who raised six children after his wife died in childbirth. In 1972, President Richard Nixon signed a law making Father’s Day a permanent holiday.               

Father’s Day celebrates family bonds that can be especially tough for those who are divorced. If you're divorced on Father's Day, statistics show you're not alone. About 40 percent of America’s children do not live with both biological parents. 

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports that more than 27 million children now live apart from their fathers. A survey by the organization found that men who did not live with their children didn't think they spent enough time with them. About 30 percent of children who do not live with their biological father have no contact with them, and only 40 percent have contact more than once a month.               

“Fathers can overcome some of the long-term consequences of divorce by cultivating a close connection with their children,” said Ken Canfield, Ph.D., founder of The National Center for Fathering and the new director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University.              

Fatherless homes account for 63 percent of youth suicides, 90 percent of homeless/runaway children, 85 percent of children with behavior problems, 71 percent of high school dropouts, 85 percent of youths in prison, well over 50 percent of teen mothers. No doubt about it, guilt is the Father’s Day gift that keeps on giving for those who worry that their divorce has wrecked their kids. So, it’s no surprise that 91 percent of those surveyed feel that America is suffering from a “father absence” crisis. Parenting is definitely harder when you’re not physically present. All else being equal, 81 percent said that men perform best as fathers if they are married to the mothers of their children.

Cultivating that connection when there's divorce requires more than love. "Handling situations where there isn't an etiquette rule is about understanding how to combine manners with three fundamental principles that form the basis of how we get along with each other — demonstrating respect, showing consideration, and being honest," said Dr. Cindy Post Senning. Dr. Senning is a director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., and co-author of six books, including The Gift of Good Manners: A Parent's Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children."                

Here are eight tiquette tips for divorced parents to help make Father's Day special for dad and kids.  


1. Recognize this may be an especially tough holiday for dad.
While the studies show men have a higher income level than women after divorce, men do worse emotionally than women after a divorce. Divorced men are three times more likely to commit suicide. The National Fatherhood Initiative reports that divorced men also have substantially more problems with alcohol. Canada’s National Population Health Survey found divorced men were at higher risk for depression than divorced women. Research has suggested that loss of custody or a change in parenting responsibilities is one of the most stressful aspects of post-divorce life for men.  

“It’s especially risky for men not to be connected with family,” said Vincent DiCaro, Director of Public Affairs for National Fatherhood Initiative. “When men start to become disconnected from family, they are more likely to get involved in behaviors that are going to be harmful to themselves or to their family. They don’t have the institution that was providing their life with meaning and direction. The men really hit hard by divorce tend to be those who don’t have a large support network in place.”  

Dr. Canfield agrees. “Men in depression after divorce --- it’s big. Women are better able to assess their emotional state and more likely to get help. Depression for men is more closely tied to the loss of children than it is to the loss of the marriage. As a result, they may tend to remarry quickly to deal with this but that tends to compound the problem because the children wonder if this marriage will be successful.”  

If you’re the divorced dad dealing with depression, create the support system you need so you can be part of your children’s lives. Seek out men whose fathering skills you admire and get advice when you need it. Go for counseling and keep your own emotional bucket full.

2. Give the kids space to be real. Divorce is hard on children.
Research from Iowa State University shows that children of divorce are at a higher risk for adjustment problems because their parents are less likely to be consistent in co-parenting the child. Researchers found the departure of dad from the home increases a boy's chances of becoming depressed, even when parents remain supportive.

If Dad left because of a girlfriend, the kids may still be angry, particularly if mom hasn't moved on. On the other hand, if mom left because of the boyfriend, don’t expect that the kids will feel like giving stepdad a Father's Day present.  “Many children feel that one parent is responsible for the break up of their home. Since most children don’t want a divorce, they may feel angry for a while. By and large this works itself out as the child matures. Little ones who feel they’re responsible for the divorce often work that out for themselves. Children get more measured views as they get older,” said Dr. Judith Wallerstein, who has spent 30 years studying the effects of divorce on families. She is co-author of the international best seller,  "What About the Kids? Raising Children Before, During and After Divorce."  

Respect their feelings and the boundaries they need to feel safe. Don’t push things, especially that first year. “Adolescent may feel they don’t want to celebrate days honoring parents, because they’re angry with both of them. I don’t think they should try to change that,” Dr. Wallerstein.     

3. Settle your feelings about the stepfather.
It can be tough if mom has custody and the kids see the stepdad more than you. Put the jealousy aside for the sake of your children and find ways to show the stepdad respect for his contributions to your kids lives. “Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they’re parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams,” said Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network.  

Wohlmut suggests you ask yourself, “What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one dad and one mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn’t mean the other male in their life doesn’t have good qualities they can benefit from.” You can help your children make cards, gifts, or pictures to honor their stepfather. That way, children are not made to feel guilty for supporting other male figures in their lives.   

This approach isn’t guaranteed to work. You can be as nice as possible to the stepdad, and he may hate you anyway. The key is to make sure the kids don’t feel it’s a loyalty test if they appreciate what the stepdad brings to the table. “It can be tough to do it but it’s important. Stepfathers feel awfully neglected on Father's Day. If your kids don’t learn good relationship skills from you, than how will they know how to have a good relationship in their future?” said Wohlmut.    

4. Don’t let money limit you.
Divorce is expensive and then there’s alimony and child support. “It’s painful to write out that check every month because it reminds you of the failure,” said Wohlmut. After his divorce, Wohlmut found money became a sore point. He learned how to show his daughter, Katie, that there are two kinds of currency in the world. One is money. The other is feelings. “Our value in this society is about how much money I make and how much I owe,” said Wohlmut. “In other countries, it’s about how much of myself I give to others and how much I am loved by them.”  

So, if money is too tight, make Father’s Day about the simple pleasures of just being together. Have them read you a story. Go for a walk in the woods. Go fishing. Draw pictures with them and then go get a cheap frame. “You show you value them as a person by how much time you spend with them,” said Wohlmut. Not only that but you’re teaching them real values, something that the Iowa State University was a missing dimension of the parenting role when Dad’s aren’t living with their kids.