What's Financial Infidelity?

Wealth managers Paskal and Hyman said: "Imbalances in financial power or equity often occur when a marriage’s authority is divided by traditional role models, income disparity or discrepancy in the level of financial knowledge. The stress of an economic downturn can lead to potentially counter-productive behaviors becoming more exaggerated and apparent during those times."

Thompson said that imbalance usually ends a couple in divorce court: "What we often see in the divorcing arena: one spouse is both the major earner and an out of control emotional–spender  who  refuses, even after counseling, many many pleas, conversations, begging – to reign in his spending. And in fact, he believes he’s entitled to spend, since he’s the main breadwinner. It's a recipe for disaster and a leading indicator of marital unrest. Eventually the fights often escalate to either divorce or wanting to divorce."

"What is the other spouse left to do? Run in the red each and every month? Take on more debt? Save nothing? Live on the financial edge all the time? Or does she try to save back some money for the rainy day that will most likely come, either in secret or not. What if she informs him of the special account – saved for a trip they might take together, but he demands she empty the account for him to pay back taxes he refuses to set aside for the third year in row. Or does she – in this instance, begin a plan of saving – almost out of desperation? If it's switched in gender, why should his need for saving for the future be trumped each and every pay period by her need to spend?," Thompson said.

Certified Public Accountant Noah B. Rosenfarb of New Jersey suggests to couples that they use a software package like Microsoft Money or Quicken because those programs can help couples "keep tabs on income and expenses. More importantly, it will highlight if there's a sudden change in either income or expenses. Both spouses should review the information together, even if only one is responsible for inputting and maintaining the information. Of course, the software could be manipulated to hide information, too, but at least there's a higher degree of confidence than not using anything to track income and expenses."   

The only way to solve the problem of financial infidelity is commucation, trust, compromise and cooperation, Divorce360 experts said. "Communication begins as partners get to know one another," said Paskal and Hyman. "Trust grows as we talk and share information about ourselves. There is a feeling of trust and cooperation when each partner has an equal opportunity to participate in the financial decisions, which typically leads to the most successful strategies. You can build trust by being open with your partner about your spending habits, your goals and your strengths. The power of listening will build trust between you and your partner as you actively participate in hearing what their needs and wants are financially."

Without honesty, the marriage isn't likely to survive, Thompson said. "If a couple can  not  openly discuss, come to some compromise – if  the prevailing emotion is anger during financial conversations  or if the topic is forbidden because one or the other simply will not discuss it -- that bodes very very poorly for the eventual viability of the marriage or at least for the happiness of the marriage," she said.


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