Transition Institute: Son Getting Divorce after 17 Years

Q. My son just announced to me that he and his wife are getting a divorce after 17 years of marriage and three kids. I can’t help but take this personally on some level since no one in our family has ever divorced. I’m also concerned because I’ve heard that divorce can be devastating for children. What can I do?  DD, Austin, TX    

A. It’s important to separate your feelings about your son’s divorce from his experience. He is getting divorced, not you. Your son needs your support right now and, although you may see it as a reflection of something you’ve done wrong, it isn’t. Many of marriages end in divorce and there are many reasons why this happens. Marriages are complicated – especially when there are kids in the equation.  

You may not condone divorce, but making your son feel bad or guilty for being in this position won’t get him and your daughter-in-law back together. Ask your son what he needs and be there for him in whatever ways you can.  

Perhaps you handled your marital challenges differently but don’t punish your son for making this choice. If you can’t bring yourself to accept his reality, then it may be best to distance yourself from him for a while.  

As far as your grandchildren go, studies show that it’s not divorce that can harm children per se, it’s parents fighting and tension in the home. Your son and daughter-in-law splitting up may actually be the best option for the children. You just can’t know. It may help you to read "The Good Divorce," by Constance Ahrons to understand more about making divorce easier on children.  

Spend more time with your grandchildren so you can provide them with support. Let them know that you are available for them if they need to talk to you about the changing family configuration.  



Susan Pease Gadoua is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and the founder and director of the Transition Institute of Marin (T.I.M.). Based in San Rafael, Calif., T.I.M. provides support and education to divorcing women and men. Susan is the author of the "Contemplating Divorce: A Step by Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go", New Harbinger Publications, Inc. © 2007– release date August 2008. She can be reached at susanpease@tiofmarin.com.