Peter Post's New Year's Etiquette

In the old days, etiquette meant things like which side of the plate the fork goes on and always writing a thank you note. For people who’ve been through a divorce, it can mean stuff like what do you do when you’re out at First Night and you turn around and there he is with her, the little home wrecker? We know what you’d like to do, but then you’ll end up doing hard time and unless you look real good in orange you’re going to have to find classier way to handle yourself. 

For etiquette tips to get through New Year’s Eve with no regrets, Divorce360 talked to the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., and asked WWED (What Would Emily Do?)  

Divorce360: Is it OK to have a New Year’s Eve date if my divorce isn’t final?  Yes, says Peter Post, author of “Essential Manners for Couples.” “If you’re in the process of getting divorced, you’ve already decided to move forward and taken the steps necessary to make that happen. You’re just waiting for the legal process. So, it’s OK to date,” said Post. However, if you do date, make sure you’ve been upfront about the fact that your divorce is not final. “Tell your date right up front,” said Post. “Don’t engage in subterfuge where people don’t really know what the real situation is. If you want to be successful, you’ve got to be honest because the truth will come out sooner or later and when it does, you’ve lost all credibility and ruined your chances with that person.” On the other hand, if you’re just separated, dating (unless it’s with your spouse) is out, Post says. “The point of separation is to try and see if you can salvage a relationship. So, you don’t get involved with someone else,” he said.  

Divorce360:  What about the children? What is the proper etiquette for introducing them to a New Year’s Eve date, particularly if this is someone new?  “When your date comes to the house to pick you up, let them spend a few minutes with your children. Your children are part of the package and you want to see how your date is with them,” said Post. “Let your children ask a few questions. Kids want to know who this individual is so they can feel OK about mom or dad going out with them. But, don’t introduce your date to your children and then leave them alone while you finish getting ready. That can be awkward.”  

Divorce360: How do you handle yourself if you run into your ex while you’re out on the town?  “Being civil is the only answer,” Post said. “You don’t have to be buddy, buddy but ignoring them as if they don’t exist is foolish. If you don’t acknowledge them, you’ll be trying to hide through the whole party. Plus, you don’t want to bring your personal problems with that individual into the atmosphere of the party.” What to say? Post suggests being cordial, brief, and honest, which means you don’t say, “nice to see you” if you don’t really mean it. Instead, try “Hello, Jane. Who would have thought we’d be at the same party? See you later.” Then, square your shoulders and confidently turn and talk to someone else.  

Divorce360: What about if you or your ex have a date?  “That’s awkward, there’s no question about it,” said Post. “Just remember: you don’t have the right to be judgmental if they have a date anymore than they have the right to be judgmental if you have a date.” What to say? “Try, ‘This is Jim, my date for the night. Jim, this is Bob, my ex-husband.’ Then, shake hands and move on,” Post said. Post suggests you practice beforehand. “It will save you a lot of angst if you play act what you’re going to do if you run into your ex. As ridiculous as it might sound, a little practice in front of the mirror can save you, because when your ex suddenly appears, the adrenalin starts pumping,” he said.