Anger Training: Angry at Ex? Don't Involve Kids

    A parenting plan is a document developed to describe how each parent will contribute and share in the responsibility of caring for their child or children. The plan is an agreement that can be filed separately by each parent or as a joint agreement. Detailed information is provided in the plan pertaining to custody and visitation including but not limited to holidays, school vacations and weekend access. Additional information included in the parenting plan are: decision-making (sole custody or joint custody), specific pick-up and drop-off times and location, parent-child communication, clauses on relocation of a parent and missed and make-up visits.  

The parenting plan can be a very useful tool if both parents are willing to communicate and are able to develop a plan that is realistic to their situation. There are parenting coordinators and court appointed social workers that are available to help families develop a reasonable parenting plan when parents are experiencing challenges. It is important to remember that the parenting plan should always keep the child’s best interest first. In remembering this important rule, parents are more likely to become less entrenched in their personal needs and wants. If the parents are already cooperating with one another and communicating frequently, it becomes a smooth transition for the child or children involved. Cooperative parents are also more supportive of one another in implementing the parenting plan and share in responsibilities with less tension.  

Parents are the experts in developing the parenting plan because they know their child better than any lawyer, judge or social worker appointed to the case. Hence, it becomes critical to get both parents to agree on a reasonable and realistic plan. A reasonable and realistic plan is considered a thoroughly thought out plan where every person’s schedule has been taken into account (work, school, extracurricular activities) and an arrangement has been developed for alternate care when either parent is not available. In addition, both parents should take into consideration that what works for a child at age 5 will not necessarily work when the child turns 10 and becomes more involved and has friends and activities to attend.  

It is important to remember that each parent has their own strength that can be used in contributing to the parenting plan. The key to a successful parenting plan is communication between the parents. Each parent should trust that the opposite parent is capable of holding their end of the plan.  

Word of Advice: Try to keep your personal biases about the opposite parent out of the parenting plan process. The goal is to help both parents build a relationship with the child. The child should not be shortchanged because mom and dad can not get along.    


Kenia Maldonado, LMSW and CAMF, holds a master’s degree in social administration from Columbia University School of Social Work. She is currently working as a family case analyst in the New York courts. She is also the founder of NY Anger Training. Kenia can be reached at nyangertraining@aol.com.