Depressed over your Divorce?

     Since your spouse told you she wants a divorce, you’ve had trouble concentrating. You’re find yourself snapping at everyone. Even the smallest tasks leave you exhausted. And, to top it off, you've gained so much weight you're considering amoving up a waist size. You could be depressed.

Significant loss, financial problems or a major life change are contributors to depression, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. For many people, divorce involves all these stressors. Perhaps this is why the U. S. Surgeon General reports that about 30 to 40 percent of those undergoing divorce report a significant increase in symptoms of depression and anxiety (Brown & Harris, 1989).

They join the approximately 21 million Americans suffering from depressive illness each year. “There’s no question that divorce can sometimes exacerbate or cause depression,” said Laura Nitzberg, professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Michigan.
 
If you’re experiencing divorce-related depression, your symptoms might also include feelings of hopelessness; appetite changes; insomnia or oversleeping; feeling restless or sluggish; strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt; as well as a host of physical problems, including headaches, backaches, diarrhea or constipation, abdominal pain and aching joints.

The agony people feel over losing their family can contribute to feelings of depression. “Divorce destroys the whole dynamic of the family. That’s one of the worst side effects. The family is the nucleus you were hoping would be there through the years. Divorce destroys it forever,” said Lucinda Bassett, chief executive officer of the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety.    


DEPRESSION DIFFERS WITH GENDER

Depression differs, depending on age and gender. Women are twice as likely to get depressed as men and single mothers face twice the risk of depression as do married mothers (Brown & Moran, 1997). When women are depressed, they often have feelings of guilt, cry, sleep a lot and gain weight. 

Men, on the other hand, are more likely to feel self-hatred and hopelessness. They get tired, irritable, lose interest in work and have sleep problems. Men are also likely to have increased levels of anger, aggression and violence as well as engage in reckless behavior and substance abuse.  

Children are especially hard hit by their parents' divorce. “Their parents' marriage represents security to children and the loss of it is significant,” said Dr. Vicky Kelly, clinical director of Children & Families First Delaware. “For a parent, the divorce is a final break in their relationship with the other parent. A child needs to understand that even though parents are divorcing, they are not divorcing the child. So, try to help your children realize that even though your relationships have changed, you’re still their father and mother.”  


DEPRESSION IN CHILDREN
 
Depression signs in children depend on age. Preschool through elementary children may have heightened anxiety and spend a lot of time worrying about their parents. They may also have nightmares, start wetting the bed, sucking their thumbs or wanting their bottle again. They might also become clingy and reluctant to leave a parent. “Young children don’t really understand a divorce. They just know there’s been a significant change and they are very reactive to what their parents are feeling,” said Dr. Kelly. 

Junior high and high school children experience a depression more like adults. That’s because they understand more of waht's happening. They may be angry and feel resentful, especially if the divorce requires a move. “Developmentally, they’re at a time when friends really important to them. So, if the divorce impacts where they live, it’s going to really affect them,” said Dr. Kelly.  

Older children are often asked to assume increased responsibilities because the custodial parent has to work more hours.  Children whose mothers were stay-at-home moms before the divorce are particularly hard hit. They may show fear or resentment, have nightmares or change sleeping habits, all signs of depression. 

Feeling abandoned by parents who are having their own divorce-related depression can contribute to a child’s sadness. “If a parent is going through significant grief or distracted by emotions that are understandably part of divorce, that parent will be less emotionally available to their children. That doesn’t make them bad parents. They’re just maxed out,” said Dr. Kelly. Learning coping techniques and developing good self-care habits can help.