Book Review: The Anger Diet

   When news broke that pop superstar Madonna was divorcing her director-husband Guy Ritchie, the initial reports said the couple planned an amicable split. Since then, the reports have turned ugly as allegations fly that Ritchie is asking his more popular wife for money as part of the divorce settlement. 

The rumors have ranged from allegations that the "The Material Girl" scheduled their sex around her pilates workouts to another in which the couple decided to divorce earlier, but remained married to adopt their son, David Banda, from Malawi. These days, stories have the pop icon taking classes in Kabbalah, a mystical Judiasm, to overcome her anger at her soon-to-be ex.

The anger doesn't surprise Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, who has spent an lifetime watching what anger does to clients who come to her for therapy. "All of us have repressed anger and no matter how many spiritual teachings we follow and good thoughts we think, unless we become aware of our anger, allow ourselves to feel and release it, it remains stored underground and suddenly arises during difficult times, especially divorce," she said.

Many people going through divorce often turn to spirituality to help get them through the tough times, Shoshanna said. But, she added, "A great danger of being in any spiritual practice is the feeling and teaching that anger is bad and that we are sinful, or living in darkness if angry. This simply causes more repression of the anger within," she said. "It's one thing to say 'Put the anger aside', it's another thing to actually know how to release the anger, to face it, feel it and let it go...to know how to replace it with a constructive, healthy, life-giving response."

Anger, she said, causes "great emotional harm and harm in relationships, but is the cause of high blood pressure, low immune system, overeating, heart attacks and many other physical symptoms."

To address the problem, the clinical psychologist, author and relationship expert wrote "The Anger Diet," a book that explains the different types of anger, gives advice on how to recognize it and offers tips to heal. Shoshanna, who writes a regular column for divorce360, considers anger a part of the process of ending a marriage, but believes "most people do not know what anger truly is, or that it can be stopped on the spot."

Madonna, she said, is a good example of how anger touches someone going through a divorce. "Clearly, Madonna has not yet taken the time to understand, accept, acknowledge and then finally release the anger she has stored up," she said.

The problem, she said, is that people can carry the anger with them throughout their lives, or they can learn to let it go. She named her book "The Anger Diet," because she hoped reading it would give people the help they needed to take anger out of their lives. "We go on many diets, but not on a diet from anger," she said. The book, she said, offers "a wonderful, healthy, constructive replacement for it. Actually, this diet is truly easy to be on, and once we see how wonderful we feel, it is hard to go back to living in anger once again."


Divorce360.com: What five lessons would you like readers who are struggling with anger in their relationship/s to learn from your book?

1. Anger is a choice we make.
We can make another choice at any moment.

2. Anger is a toxin.
The false sense of strength and high we get from it is only temporary. When it passes, we see that the anger has taken a toll, not only on us, but on our relationships.

3. It is easy to become addicted to the false sense of strength we receive from anger.
This addiction is dangerous and basically covers up the weakness we feel within. Remember, it’s not what people say or do that hurt us, but our reactions to their behavior.

4. It is easy to get rid of your enemies. Make them into your friends.
Take them to lunch and let them be the star. Find out all about them. It will be hard for them to remain an enemy for long.

5. Forgiveness is the greatest gift we give to ourself and others.
In the book you will learn how to do the forgiveness workout. It needs to be done daily, like brushing our teeth.  

Divorce360.com: How does blaming others hurt you in your love relationship?             
A: It’s very easy to project your own negative feelings or unfulfilled expectations upon your partner and not take responsibility for your side of what’s going on. Doing this never, ever heals the situation or allows change to take place. You cannot change your partner. You can change how you react to them and how willing you are to communicate. Do that.