When Is a Marriage Worth Saving?

10 TIPS TO CONSIDER WHEN ASKING, 'CAN MY MARRIAGE BE SAVED?' 

1. You can always work on fixing the marriage, says Barbara Cavanaugh, an LCSW in Houston. 
"If you have similar goals and ways of thinking about life, it probably can be repaired. If you got married with, 'He's cute. We like the same movies,' that isn't strong enough to build a life on. That would be my first question for an individual to ask himself or herself."

2. If your spouse has an affair, don't look at the action but what caused it. 
"I think that the hardest thing for people going through divorce is to ask, 'What is my part in this marriage breakup?'" she says. It's really about our marriage, not the affair. Some people don't have the ability to forgive, because there's so much that's gone wrong in a marriage. No one leaves a wonderful, satisfying relationship to go have an affair."

3. Bill Wear, Jr., a minister and divorce mediator in Springfield, Mo., says that you can tell when the moment is right for a divorce.
"I tell clients, 'You know when you know.'  The key is when you have someone who's willing to do the work they need to do in order to become the person they need to become, and you need to do. Then, if it works? Great.  If it doesn't, then you're at the end of the road."

4. Realize that without inner happiness, you won't have a successful marriage. 
"Whenever I work with couples, I meet with them both and say, 'I don't think marriage counseling should be where people rehearse their resentments toward another. What I'll do is meet with you individually on how to create the best life for yourself.' Once you become more successfully in finding meaning yourself, then you're in the position where you can be a confident partner in a relationship. If each person is leaning on each other, they're both gonna fall," says Wear.

5. If you are looking to religion for answers, according to Wear, faith-based reasons for staying together are the same as non-faith-based reasons. 
"I have represented the most religious and non-religious people on the planet, and they all suffer from the same things. People think all they need to do is go to church and Sunday school. It's the same breakdown in understanding what their own relationship is to God."

6. Cavanaugh suggests that if your marriage does end in divorce, imagine a happier future for yourself. 
"Say, 'Whether I'm divorced or not, I'm going to make my future much brighter, because I'm going to end up in another bad relationship.'"

7. If you do get divorced, study what you can do to make yourself feel better.
"I would recommend things like therapy and soul searching," says Cavanaugh.

8. Before you begin dating again, try to recognize bad patterns set up in your marriage and past relationships.
This prevents you from repeating your mistakes. "Look back at previous relationships and see what they all had in common," Cavanaugh says.

9. Quit blaming other sources for your problems.
"Some people blame their jobs and whatever's handy for when their lives are not going well," Wear says.

10. Whether you are trying to save your marriage or are working on a new relationship,
Wear says to remember that dating is not a substitute for personal fulfillment. "No other human being has the power and capacity to make anybody else happy, and it's a full-time job figuring out how to make your own self reasonably happy -- philosophically and spiritually."