Poll: Most Work to Save Marriage

“That’s pretty fruitless because both people have different perspectives about how it happened,” Weiner-Davis said. “It goes round and round.”       

When couples find themselves having the same arguments and discussions over and over, they should look outside the relationship for guidance, Weiner-Davis said. They should find someone who will give them the tools to resolve their differences, she said. “We aren’t born knowing how to be good partners in relationships,” Weiner Davis said. “The way we learn about that is watching our parents, and they might not be good role models.”       

She said that in the past 10 to 15 years, there have been great strides in how to encourage healthy marriages. Sometimes, it might be as easy as one partner changing his or her ways because it will be a catalyst for the other partner, Weiner-Davis said. “They find new ways to handle the situation,” Weiner-Davis said. “And when one person changes, sometimes they get better responses from their partners.” 



REDISCOVERING YOUR SPOUSE

Other ways to improve a marriage is to try to reconnect through communication, laughter, and sex, said Karen Gail Lewis, Ph.D., who has been a marriage and family therapist for 37 years. She is the author of "The Secret to a Solid Marriage and Stories for Your Marriage: How to Deal with the Tough Times." She said she often discusses with her clients opportunities for rediscovering their feelings for one another.
 
Couples should spend more time together, Lewis said. Find an activity they can do together, and get involved, she said. One couple she knows recently started square-dancing. One couple meets for lunch during a weekday. Another couple sets aside one night a week just for them – they feed the kids separately, then have dinner together alone.        

She tells her clients that when they are alone together on their dates, they should have a taboo list of discussion topics. They can’t speak about anything that will trigger an argument, she said. For example, they can’t complain about their kids, money or troubles at work. “Almost invariably, they say, ‘What can we talk about? We’ll sit there in silence.’” Lewis said. So she tells them:  “Sit there in silence until you come up with something. When they were dating, they came up with things.”       

The priority is to find a way to laugh together, and to find the fun in the relationship, she said. For some couples, that translates to refreshing their sex lives. She said one couple with whom she works sneaks off to a K-Mart parking lot to make out in their car. (The couple met at K-Mart 20 years ago, and they go to the same store’s parking lot to rekindle the passion they felt for each other in their younger days.)       

Lewis recommends couples become more adventurous in their sex lives by having sex in different locations in their homes, watching sexy movies, trying new sexual position or buying sex toys. She also has clients who find motels for sexual rendezvous. “Another couple sneaks off and has illicit sex in a cheap motel,”  Lewis said. “Something about the illicitness and the cheapness works for them.”     

Regardless of all of the other possibilities, the most important ingredient to the health of the relationship, Lewis said, is to communicate regularly. She gives the following recommendation to her clients: “A four-letter word that ends in K, but starts with a T, not an F.  Talk,”  Lewis said.  “It is the most important thing.” 


Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law.  She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she has taught at American University in Washington, D.C.  She recently won a national research award for her work.