Poll: Most Work to Save Marriage

GETTING OUTSIDE HELP

Finding someone outside the relationship can help guide a couple back to a healthy relationship, said Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York. However, the couple needs to seek help sooner than later, she said. Sherman is the co-author of "Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It and Make It Last."
 
She said she usually sees couples after the woman in the relationship has encouraged her resistant partner to seek help. By that time, Sherman said, the woman has already tried to talk to her husband about the problems in the relationship and she has been reading self-help books to try to make the repairs herself.  “Generally, the woman has a better pulse on the relationship than the man,”  Sherman said.    

But, as Rogers said, at that point, it might be too late. Sherman also said that the man typically does not take action to try to heal the relationship until the woman has already given up. “Very often, the guys don’t get it until she is out the door,” she said.       

When couples are ready to seek outside help together to mend the relationship, Sherman said, she recommends that they find someone who will teach them the skills to maintain a strong relationship, rather than someone who will simply listen to their complaints about each other. 

She said it is more effective for couples to find help that incorporates a skills model, and educates the couple on how to function, and what to expect, in a healthy relationship. A skills model would show a couple how to manage conflict and express their needs, she said. “It is really in a framework of you need to have a roadmap to proceed with your relationship,” Sherman said. “It is teaching the couple the realities of a relationship so to speak.”       

She said she typically finds herself acting as a translator between the couple. She said she helps each side hear correctly what the other is trying to say. “As an outsider to the process, I have a better ability to hear what each person is intending to say,”  Sherman said.       

Eventually, the partners learn to communicate effectively on their own. Sherman said that is the key – learning the right way to conduct oneself in a relationship. If one relationship is failing, and no one seeks help to understand why, Sherman said, the next relationship is destined to end in the same way.   

“If you have not learned the skills, it is not going to be better with the other person. You are better off learning the skills with the person you already have the investment with, especially if you have children,” Sherman said. 


SAVING A MARRIAGE

Developing positive relationship skills is one of the most effective ways to save a marriage, said Michele Weiner-Davis, the director of the Divorce Busting Center and a marital therapist. She is the author of several books, two of which are "Divorce Busting:  A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again," and "The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido."
 
She, too, said that she often sees couples who have tried to talk things out – they have tried to focus on what the problems are in the relationship, then attempt to find a solution to them.  That doesn’t usually work, she said.