My Wife Cheated. Can I Save My Marriage?

Q: It was a thunderbolt shock when I found out my wife was having an affair. We're in counseling now but I just don't know if our marriage will last. What can I do to make it work?  

A: The success of marital counseling after an infidelity depends on several things, a major one being why the person cheated at all. Often women and men admit to having an affair for different reasons. A common explanation women give for going outside the marriage is that they are longing for a close connection. These women are not searching for a thrill or even primarily for sexual gratification but rather for emotional intimacy.    

Does this seem to be the case in your situation? If so, think about what you can do to increase your own emotional availability. Let your wife in on your concerns and be attentive to hers. Open up to her about your feelings and your hopes and dreams. Ask about hers and participate fully in dialogues with her about them. Share your happy times and be a part of her positive experiences. When you have this kind of relationship, she will not look elsewhere for her emotional connections.    

Your wife's affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage - rather it can be the beginning of a whole new dimension to your relationship. You can use it as the starting point to a better way of communicating and being there for one another. In marital therapy, you can practice the skills of active listening, sending I-messages and constructive responses to your spouse. Request that your counselor work with you to learn new skill sets of relating and interacting. Do the homework that he or she designs for you.  

The therapeutic sessions can also be a safe place for each of you to express your emotions in ways that might be frightening without the presence of a professional person to mediate. The process of coming to terms with the affair and learning to trust you wife again may take many months of painful meetings, even years. But if she is firm in her decision to end the liaison and you can forgive her betrayal, you two may be able to let go of the guilt feelings and move forward. The raw freshness of your developing relationship can even initiate more passion between you.    

Making the commitment to create more intimacy -- both physical and emotional -- through affection and empathy will go a long way toward demonstrating to your wife that you are with her for the duration. It will then be up to her to meet you there and work on maintaining and improving your marriage.        

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.