Have you disappointed, injured or even betrayed someone and think you've burned your bridges? Think again. There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R's to respond to the 4 H's you triggered in the other person.
The 4 H's you've triggered?
- Hurt
- Hate (for taking away trust and safety)
- Hesitation to trust (and be re-hurt by you) and
- Holding onto a grudge (to protect themselves from accidentally lowering their guard).
The 4 R's they need from you?
- Remorse (to show that you know you damaged something in them and you're truly sorry, with no excuses);
- Restitution (a payback for what you took away from them);
- Rehabilitation (to let them see a new way of dealing with those situations that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior);
- Request their forgiveness.
If the other person is still unable to forgive you after a minimum of three months, you are no longer unforgivable, they are unforgiving.
It's clear what is in it for you if they forgive you, but what's in it for them? When you earnestly practice the 4 R's above, you enable the person you injured to go from fear and loathing to feeling safe and even liking you again ---and that feeling is called, "euphoria."
(c) Mark Goulston, http://markgoulston.com
Mark Goulston, M.D., is a well-known psychiatrist, speaker, business trainer and coach as well as author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." He writes a regular column, "Getting through to Anybody," for divorce360. He can be reached at mgoulston@markgoulston.com.
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