Faith Therapy: Sacrifices in Marriage

Q: My husband of 19 years is a dear man, loved and respected by many including myself, though let me clarify that I love him like a dear friend. The problem is that our marriage has slowly eroded over the years as I finally came to terms with the fact that I really don’t have romantic attachment to him anymore in addition to the fact that we have no shared interests or ability to communicate on anything other than the kids’ basic daily needs. Also, my husband’s passivity and need for instruction is more child-like than adult-like, which greatly irritates me. He is, as he puts it, “a simple man” with little to no passion for anything in life. Even our sex life, once satisfying and frequent, has dissolved to virtual abstinence due to some issues he has with sexual dysfunction for which he half-heartedly sought help. As I was quietly preparing to leave him, unbeknown to him, he had a stroke and was left cognitively impaired in some ways that make him even more dependent on me. Am I forced to stay in a marriage where I feel like my husband is one of my children, thus causing me great misery and added stress. I have prayed about his situation fervently until I can’t even pray anymore. Do I just suck it up and suffer in silence?  

A: The answer is, “it depends.” Couples stay married for many different reasons, not all of which are based on loving feelings and intimacy. In fact, the concept of a “happily every after” union is a fairly recent definition of marriage in this country (Try reading A History of the Wife by Marilyn Yalom for greater perspective on the institution of marriage). 

It appears that the redeeming qualities you mentioned concerning your husband merit some degree of sacrificial commitment to him, which is what most of us promise to provide on our wedding day. At the end of the day, marriage is a committed relationship (for better or for worse) more than any other relationship, and it requires care and concern well beyond what’s desirable, comfortable or convenient. 

I suggest you work on accepting your marriage for what it is versus a focus on what it is not while you find ways to make life meaningful and enriching in spite of the circumstances (e.g., a support group for family members of stroke victims, new hobbies, reading about how others have overcome these marital challenges).

I don’t know exactly where you stand spiritually but putting these challenges in the context of honoring something or someone bigger than yourself may ease your burden. Consider reading "When God Doesn’t Answer Your Prayer" by Jerry Sittser for additional insight as well.

Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.