Everybody Wins Mediation: Are You Trying to Change Him?

    It’s delicious to feel well nourished in relationships. There’s a yearning and hunger we bring to relationships for warmth, kindness, appreciation, time spent together. In order to find peace in relationships, we must understand what real nourishment is -- how to nourish and feel nourished as well. In some cases one person consistently plays the role of the feeder and other the role of the one being fed. Some withhold love so their partner will do what they want of them. Others feed their partners on demand. Sex is often used in this fashion, providing a sense of being loved, wanted, cared for and nourished.             

Stop a moment and examine exactly what kind of food you are consuming in your relationship -- is it healthy, is it food your system can digest? Although what we get from our partner is initially hot and spicy it can cause heartburn later on. And, if we do not slow down, taste and digest what we are receiving, we will never receive the nourishment we need.

In some cases, we spend all our time wanting to change our partners. There may be much that is wonderful about them, but still we’re hungering for more. It is as though all the time we were with an apple tree which was giving us wonderful apples, while we’re longing for pears. Rather than walk down the street to the pear tree, we rail against the fine apple tree, which could not produce a pear, no matter how hard it tried.

You will never turn an apple tree into a pear tree. Some of us are simply addicted to being dissatisfied. But in order to find peace, we must learn to take what is given and offer thanks in return. If we spend all our time wanting to change the person, this is a sure fire recipe for unhappiness. To find peace it is necessary to be able to absorb what is beautiful and healthy and by-pass that which is not valuable.

It is a mistake to expect all of our needs to be met by one person. Honor and be grateful for that which you receive. Don’t spend all your time focusing on that which the person is not able to provide. It is one thing to learn how to find the right food, enjoy and absorb it, and then beyond that, in order to be truly nourished, we must learn how to nourish and feed others in return.


Dr Brenda Shoshanna, speaker, divorce mediator and author, is a relationship expert. Some of her books include, "The Anger Diet (30 Days to Stress Free Living)" and"Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships)." Learn more about her at: http://www.brendashoshanna.com. Contact at: topspeaker@yahoo.com.