Book Review: Money, Sex and Kids

    For more than 30 years, Tina Tessina has helped clients with their marital problems. The Long Beach, Calif., psychotherapist has written 11 books, including her latest "Money, Sex and Kids: How to Stop Arguing about the Three Things that Can Ruin your Marriage."

Tessina said she wanted to give pratical help to couple struggling with the issues she sees all the time in her private practice. Divorce360.com asked her to talk a little bit about her book and those particular issues in a recent interview.

Divorce360.com: What are the three top argument-starters when it comes to money?
A: Couples fight about who spent too much, how much each should pay toward expenses when they earn different amounts, and whether a luxury item is needed or not. Men tend to feel that women are spending "their" money, even if the woman earns as much or more. Women tend to feel that men are too controlling about money. Men overspend on electronic gadgets and mechanical toys, golf clubs, etc. They're also more likely to gamble on stocks or sports. Women overspend on clothes, shoes and decorative items for the home; also beauty treatments. If anyone gets involved with drugs, it's a financial disaster.

Divorce360.com: What are the three top argument-starters when it comes to sex?
A: Frequency tops the list. When the couple have two different needs for how often they have sex, they can clash. After that, it's hurt feelings -- when you reject your spouse for sex, it hurts, and the spouse tends not to try after a while. Third is infidelity. People get a lot more upset about cheating, but it's still rarer than the other two. Couples are more likely to fight with silence when it comes to sex -- being resentful, pouting, and turning off. Cheating, of course, can be a deal-breaker, but surprisingly enough, a lot of couples survive it.

Divorce360.com: What are the three top argument-starters when it comes to children?
A: Most arguments about children are about discipline.  Parents argue that it's too harsh or too lax. Parents accuse each other of giving in or not making the children do chores, homework, etc. Whether to have children (or another child) or not can lead to big arguments. When children hit their teens, their rebeliousness can cause problems between the parents. Also, when children are present in a marriage, it can lead to more fights about in-laws: where to spend holidays, which family's religion to raise them in, and grandparent problems.
 
Divorce360.com: What's a money style and how does it affect a marriage?
A: Your individual financial style is learned at an early age; a combination of family, neighborhood and circumstances. Money is a very emotional topic, and each person tends to feel their style (show off wealth or hide it; save for the future or spend to the limit; keep up with the Joneses or do your own thing; keep meticulous records or just guess about how much is in the account) is "the way it's done;" so when the styles are different, couples can clash about them. For example, if you are a saver, and your spouse is a spend-to-the-limit person, you can fight about which way is the right way.
 
Divorce360.com: Explain using money for love or approval and why it can affect a marriage?
A: If you were brought up to be gifted lavishly for every occasion or accomplishment; or if you felt deprived and saw other children get gifts, you may feel that gifts are a way to show love. If your spouse was brought up to disapprove of spending money for frivolous things, or was given money or gifts in lieu of attention, he or she may feel that spending money is a poor substitute for love, which leads to clashes over whether you're giving each other or your children the proper gifts
 
Divorce360.com: What's a sexual agreement and how does it work?
A: Sexual agreements are deals partners make with each other to bridge sexual frequency gaps. For example, a partner with a low frequency need may agree to hold his or her partner during masturbation, or to have one-sided sex, where only one partner has an orgasm.  
 
Divorce360.com: What tips can you give a couple before they marry about money, sex and children?
A: Fighting about any of these subjects is not necessary.  In the book there are "Fair Fight Guidelines" to help you turn fights into productive discussions. Disagreement is healthy; because it leads to creative solutions that you can both enjoy. Don't focus on who is right or wrong; instead, focus on what will solve the problem.
 
Divorce360.com: How does learning to budget help couples in a marriage?
A: Your marriage is partly a business. A successful marriage is supposed to bring in money, have expenses, and achieve a profit, which is savings and equity. Learning to budget will help you keep your expenditures within bounds, and give you a way to discuss whether you're using money wisely. Budgeting can help you avoid instant gratification and save for delayed rewards, like buying a house, a car, putting the children through college; investing for retirement or taking a lovely vacation. It also can help you keep aware of whether one spouse has a money problem.
 
Divorce360.com: Can having a baby ruin a relationship?
A: Yes, if the couple can't agree on whether to have a child; how to parent that child; or how to deal with the extended family. Most first time parents experience 'baby shock' when the reality of how difficult raising a child can be conflicts with their pleasant fantasies. Sleepless nights, anxiety about parenting, childhood illnesses and difficulties and the financial strain can all stress a couple to the breaking point. New parents should try babysitting for extended periods, talk to experienced parents, and have  support group around them to ease the stress.
 
Divorce360.com: What are family meetings and how do they work?
A: Whether you are single, dating, married or have a family of your own, having a regular weekly meeting date to discuss the state of the relationship will make a tremendous difference in the emotional tenor of the relationship. If you’re blending a family from previous situations, you’ll find it makes a huge difference in your success.

When you have a regular chance to talk about what’s going on in the relationship, problems, resentment and frustration don’t get a chance to build. If you have children, every member of your family has a right to have his or her opinions respected. You don’t have to agree or go along with what your child or spouse wants, but you should at least know what it is, and your child should know why you’re overriding his or her preferences. Regular couple or family meetings, where everyone including the children expresses feelings, negative and positive, and all of you work together to solve problems, can help a lot.

Begin couple or family meetings as early in the relationship as possible, whether you think you have any issues to discuss or not. If you set a pattern of doing this early in a relationship, it will be easy to expand the group to include children if you have them. For relationships and families that are already established, it might feel a bit awkward to begin the meetings at first, but if you follow the steps below, everyone will soon experience the value of having an appropriate time and place to talk about issues and plans. Once everyone becomes familiar with the process, the formality of the meeting will relax, problems will be minor, and the couple or whole family can use the time for bonding, sharing stories and experiences, and creating quality time together.
 
Sit down on a weekly basis with your partner or family, and discuss everything about your relationship, positive and problematic, and how it’s going for each of you. If you have small children, include them and get their input, also. Choose a time when everyone can get together weekly, and suggest to everyone that you order pizza, or cook something together.
 
Begin the session with a brief prayer or blessing, and a round of complements, where each member gives a complement to every other member ‘ this creates a positive atmosphere.

At the meeting, each person present can follow these steps: