Book Review: Get Out of your Own Way

    Warren Buffett once said that most people could be as successful as he is. Some will, but others won't because they get in their own way. Dr. Mark Goulston, a Los Angeles, Calif., psychiatrist, believes he's right. 

A business advisor, consultant, trainer and coach, his book, "Get Out of Your Own Way," has helped people get over a number of self-defeating behaviors, including those used by spouses to sabotage their marriages. "Self-defeating behavior is the single most common reason that people seek psychotherapy," Goulston said. "It is a poison that prevents people from achieving the love, success and happiness they desire." The book explains the reasons for the behavior, going back to childhood to examine what started it.

Goulston said he was moved to write the book after appearing on a series of television shows, including CNN, msNBC, Oprah and Today as well as being being a source for stories in Time, Newsweek, The New York Times and Cosmopolitan. "After my agent and editor reviewed my appearances they asked me, 'Mark, can you write about why so many smart people live lives that are much less happy and successful than they are capable of having.' I don’t know whether they came up with the title or I did, but it seemed that the main reason why people don’t have the life they are capable of is because they get in their own way,” Goulston said. 

Divorce360.com: There's so much information in this book. How does someone who is getting divorced use it to their best advantage?
A: It’s a very easy read – a radio host once compared the book to eating pistachio nuts, that once you start you can’t stop – so you might just want to read it from cover to cover. It shouldn’t take more than 90 minutes. As you do it, dog ear the chapters that you think apply to you. After that, select several three close friends or family who care about you, root for you, but will be candid with you if you ask. 

Tell these people that you are trying to improve yourself and would like their input on what behaviors you do or fail to do that they think cost you happiness and success and also trust, confidence and respect from others including them. Show them the ones you selected, but invite them to select others from the table of contents of the book or ones that aren’t in the book.       

Ask them which of the self-defeating behaviors if corrected would most quickly regain trust, confidence and respect from them and others. Only focus on two behaviors at a time, because in all likelihood if you choose more, you won’t change any of them. Whatever they say, DO NOT become defensive or get into an argument. That will only show them that you don’t want to change and don’t want their input.

Divorce360.com: What is self-defeating behavior and how does it affect our love relationships?
A: Self-defeating behaviors are usually coping behaviors that make us feel better for the moment (for example procrastination), but then mess up our future and mess up how others see us. If you minimize the negative effect is has on your relationships when you procrastinate, get angry and make things worse, make excuses, feel sorry for yourself or any of the 40 ones in the book, you are only fooling yourself. Probably the main way that self-defeating behavior affects love relationships is that they cause the other person to feel they can’t depend on you, believe you and that causes them to eventually lose respect for you. 

Over time, one of the most insidious causes of falling out of love is that you no longer respect the other person or feel respected by them or feel respect for yourself for putting up with them.

Divorce360.com: How do we get past self- defeating behavior to make our relationships work?
A: The best way is to make each other a “sponsor” for overcoming what amounts to an addiction to self-defeating behaviors. Furthermore, put in writing what you are committing to do and when you will check in with each other on it (don’t bring it up every day). When you do bring it up to each other ask: “Have you noticed whether or not I have been doing 'x' behavior that I committed myself to doing? What refinements can you give me to do even better at it?” Then thank them and make the changes they suggested. It usually takes about a month for a change in behavior to become internalized as a habit, so after that, repeat the process with additional behaviors.

Divorce360.com: You talk about chasing after the love and approval of our parents. How does that affect our love relationships and what can we do to change this?
A: Here is one of the avoidable tragedies in life and love. When we didn’t get something we needed from a parent, such as acceptance from a critical parent or warmth from a distant parent or encouragement from a discouraging parent, it creates a gap in our mind and personality that aches to be filled. So we unconsciously have a tendency to become involved with someone who may be positive in the beginning of a relationship, but turns out to be very much like that negative parent and we then continue to “look for love in all the wrong places.”        

Alternatively if we were coddled, spoiled, doted on and enabled to not develop ourselves by an overprotective, non-limit setting parent who died, or just got older and couldn’t do it anymore, we often seek a partner who will do the same. That can lead to our acting entitled to more than we deserve and lead to the other person waking up some day and feeling ripped off. The way to change this or prevent it from happening is first to become aware that these powerful forces are at work; second realize that if we keep acting them out as described above, our relationships are doomed; and finally when we are in a relationship, make sure we share common values and goals that are more important to each partner than getting their way.        

A friend of mine on his third marriage (and finally the one that is the charm), established ground rules with his current spouse for disagreements. This included never berating the person, never resorting to lambasting or sullen withdrawal, never saying “You’re an 'X'” rather than “When you do 'X', I felt 'Y',” never blaming the person instead of focusing on behavior and then solutions.