In the Zone: Get Counseling before Marriage

    A lot of couples who are thinking about getting married come to see therapists to sort out conflicts and to be certain that the two of them are well suited for one another before they take their vows.         

This is a good idea because counseling can often educate people about better strategies for managing and resolving differences. Many couples do benefit from what might be thought of as “an emotional or psychological tune up” prior to getting married. In a case where two people are basically quite compatible, good counseling can help them to learn more about each other and themselves and understand what they need to do change and modify to be a good team.           

One young man and woman who came to see me were quite lovely and they really adored one another. I knew that if they got a little guidance about managing their extended families that they would be fine. They are now happily married with three wonderful children. Their tune up was successful.        

Marriage counselors can also sometimes help couples to determine when they are really wrong for one another or simply not ready for  the challenges of a mature,   monogamous relationship.       

In some instances, couples who seek out pre-marital counseling  are in significant amounts of conflict. I have treated many boyfriends and girlfriends who are embroiled in conflicts around  sex, money, chores, family issues, free time, fidelity and drug or alcohol use. I have discouraged the idea of marriage when these kinds of issues are involved.           

Surprisingly, some people cling to a fantasy that getting married will fix all of their problems with each another. Last week, for example, a woman who was now filing for divorce told me, “I thought that he would stop drinking and womanizing once we walked down the aisle together. I assumed that once we were husband and wife   that I would be able to change him. Boy was I wrong. In fact, his drinking and fooling around got worse after our first year of marriage.”            

Some couples fall into a gray area where they may be right for another or they may be a bad match. In cases like this, I frequently encourage six to nine months of living together. This experience usually helps couples to determine if they are compatible. If things deteriorate during this trial period, it probably indicates that the two individuals may be  wrong for one another.           

Conversely, if the two people are really enjoying the experience, the closeness and their time together, it is a positive indicator about their ability to be a good husband and wife.          

Understand that this method is not foolproof. However, living together supplies people with some very useful data as to how they feel about each other.             

Now, I realize that some people are opposed to the idea of living together without being married. However, cohabitating can help probably help to reduce the divorce rate and spare a lot of people a lot of stress. For these reasons, I am in very much in favor of this idea.  



Jay P. Granat, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, hypnotherapist, author, lecturer, found of stayinthezone.com. He writes a regular column called, "In The Zone," for divorce360.