Having Kids Can't Save Marriage

    Your marriage is in trouble. You wonder what to do. You consider the alternatives -- and wonder -- could you save your relationship if you just has a baby? 

It might seem like a good answer, but not so, according to experts.  "A lot of the time, people are feeling a loss of connection and love in their marriage, so they kind of hold this fantasy that if they have a child that that will bring everything back to being okay. Part of it's an idealization, and the solution to fixing a problem," said Debbie Bensching, a therapist in Portland, Ore.   

According to a survey, 15 percent of new parents are divorced by three years after the birth of their first child. The problem, Benshing said,  is that "...People don't stop and think about how even positive things in our lives bring in stress, so if we're already in a bad place in our relationship, that will bring stresses and make our marriage more stressful."

"When marriages get kind of rocky, people start casting about for reasons to stay together," said Enda Junkins, a social worker and marriage therapist in Ouray, Col. "Sometimes, for some reason, it's usually a woman, and she thinks if she gets pregnant, she can hang onto the husband, because we're having this baby together, which is not a good reason to stay together or to have a child."   

"One thing is that people whose marriage isn't working well tend to focus on their child, and then the child gets brought into that lot. Slow down, and at least get some advice from people who are sound," she said. "Another reason is clearly, the ability to communicate and resolve problems is important, so bringing a child into the relationship, so there's more instability. That makes it harder to meet demands we set for each other."

Junkins said couples in trouble should seek help. "...I do believe that many, many marriages can be saved. Go to couples therapy. Find a therapist they can both relate to and try to work things out," she said.  

She also recommends that people try to recall why they fell in love. "What happens to people when their marriage gets in trouble is they forget the good things about the other person, which is the reason why they got married to them in the first place," she said. "They need to focus. Try to remember the things you got married for. If you put fun and laughter back in your relationship, it's very apt to get healthy again."