Faith Therapy: To Have a Child -- Or Not?

Q: Can a marriage survive one person passionately wanting a baby while the spouse is passionately opposed to having a baby?  

A: The answer is “it depends.” If the marriage is solidly compatible in all or most areas except the decision to become parents, marital survival is conceivable with significant adjustment. That is, one spouse has to concede on his/her desire as a form of sacrificial love for the other. Few spouses can do this without underlying bitterness and resentment in the short or long term, however it is not impossible. Perhaps some attempts at compromise may include:

(a) Heavy involvement in the lives of nieces, nephews and the children of friends for the spouse who wants children; or
(b) Religiously scheduled “couple time” for the spouse who does not want children due to fears of overwhelming intrusions into the happy twosome.  

In any case, careful exploration of the motivation behind the choice for children or childlessness is essential. Addressing related fears, worries, and anxieties may resolve the dilemma. Parenting forever changes marriage, and the decision is not to be entered into lightly. A good rule of thumb to remember is that children generally make a bad marriage worse and a good marriage better (that is, if the mother feels supported and receives adequate help). Obviously, such important issues should be discussed thoroughly before marriage and should heavily guide the decision on whether to marry a given partner. 



Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.