Ex a Threat to Your Kid

    The media regularly reports on the tragic deaths of children at the hands of a divorced parent, often as retaliation against an ex, sometimes in a sudden fit of anger, and always for reasons only a troubled mind can decipher. Each news report is met with collective horror but the individual reviews are mixed: some of us believe it can never happen to us; others think it most certainly will. Both conclusions can be dangerously wrong.  

If there is danger of your ex harming your children and you are either unaware or in denial, the results can be deadly. On the other hand, if there is no danger despite your fears and you overreact on your paranoia, you can destroy the lives of your children and your ex. “It’s often difficult to immediately determine who is a victim of child abuse and who is a victim of parental wars,” bemoans Dr. Kristi Murphy, clinical director of ChildHelp Children’s Center in Phoenix, Ariz.  

In the emotional hurricane of divorce, where can you find the high ground and see clearly whether the threat is real?  

First, put the situation in perspective. There is no hard evidence yet that proves divorced parents are any more likely to harm their children than married parents. “People who are married are killing their children, too,” says Dr. Martin J. Drell, head of Infant, Child, Adolescent Psychiatry at LSU’s Health Sciences Center in New Orleans. “People get angry and tend to kill people they know and love.”  

“It could be argued that divorced parents are under lots of stress but that same argument can be made for married parents for a variety of reasons from substance abuse to financial problems and mental illnesses or any combination,” he says.  

The threat, then, is posed by the mental state of the individual – not the conditions, such as divorce or job loss, surrounding the individual. “Every life has stresses: acute, chronic or traumatic,” says Dr. Drell. “But not every trauma experienced by one person is as traumatic to someone else. People handle things differently so it is important to consider how a person perceives the stress and how equipped they are at coping with it in assessing the risk.”  

This explains why people kill over seemingly trivial reasons; in the mind of the killer the reason is overwhelmingly large and important.  

Therefore, observing the mental state of the person in question is paramount to determining risk to your child. “If you or your ex has blown up and lost control with your kid, even just once, that’s a clue you need help,” says Dr. Drell. “Most people are the same day in and day out; even though they have changes in mood, they act in a certain predictable way. That is their baseline,” continues Dr. Drell. “If you, your ex, or another primary caregiver for your child begins acting in ways that does not fit their baseline behaviors, then it is time to be cautious.”  

Don’t forget to assess your own mental state because if you are off your own baseline, you may see threats that do not exist and act in inappropriate ways. “If you feel your feelings, moods, and/or actions are way off your baseline, then pause and figure out what’s going on and then deal with it. Go for counseling and get a professional assessment before you take action on other issues,” advises Dr. Drell.  

If you think your ex is a danger, resist the urge to question your children about it. “Divorce is too close to home for you to be an impartial interrogator,” explains Dr. Drell. “Your questions are more likely to be leading than fair.”  

And, if you do get answers from your child, the information is probably unreliable. “The child isn’t being manipulative normally. Children desperately want to please their parents and will answer your questions according to what they think you want to hear,” explains Dr. Murphy. If your child is acting beyond his or her own baseline of behavior, that may or may not indicate abuse or neglect is happening while he or she is visiting your ex.  

“Even refusing to go visit or talk to the other parent doesn’t necessarily mean anything is amiss. Most of the time it means the kid is angry over the divorce, blaming one parent, or trying to please the parent they are with at the moment, which is all pretty normal,” says Dr. Drell.  

So how can you tell for certain whether your ex poses a threat to the safety of your children? “If your child is showing symptoms of problems such as depression, withdrawal, irritable mood, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, changes in behavior or friends, then seek counseling to determine the nature and the cause of the problem,” advises Dr. Murphy. “A professional can sort out what is and is not happening to your child.”  

“If you perceive an immediate threat to your child, then call the police or Child Protective Services. They can investigate and take immediate action,” says Dr. Murphy.  

If you are unsure who to call for help, call Child Help’s national hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child or go to their web site at www.childhelp.org for a list of places to go in your area for help and things you can do to protect your child. “Child Help has all masters level child counselors working the phones 24-7, they can listen to your concerns and guide you from there,” says Dr. Murphy.  

You can also give the hotline number to your children. “Sometimes children are not comfortable discussing one parent to the other when one or both are obviously upset from the divorce. So, they can call the hotline and talk about things privately which can calm them or get them the help they need, whichever is the case,” says Dr. Murphy.  

“Sometimes, you just need someone to talk to and it helps to have someone really listen. If that’s the case for you or your child, pick up the phone and call,” says Dr. Murphy.