Divorced on the Fourth

2.  Make new traditions. 
Don’t focus on what you did last year.  “As hard as it may be, by focusing less on how the holiday and family were last year, and more on your children's perspective now, you're already moving in a new direction.  As you honor them by hearing what they wants to do, it will help you all through this experience,” Goldberg and Lichtman wrote.  

Goldberg and Lichtman said parents should talk “share ideas about the new traditions you can create and celebrate together. And make the planning a joint effort.  Recognize that, while a holiday lasts only a specified period of time, your relationship with your children goes on forever.”  

Mark Goulston, a California psychiatrist whose written four books, including "The Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again ... and Stay There,” offered this tip: “Take your children and spend time at a VA hospital volunteering in some way to show your children, these veterans are the men and women who fought so that we can be free in this country…”  

Goulston also suggested that parents who have good relationships could use the holiday to discuss how to raise successfully independent children, despite the divorce. A place to start the conversation: " If we are to be successful as parents, our kids need to enter adulthood with self-confidence, focus, optimism, stick-to-it-ness, humor, self-reliance, resourcefulness and without self-doubt, being scattered, pessimism, quiting too soon, being humorless, dependent, and being unresourceful. I think we should both talk with them about what it means to be 'independent' and see if we can get them to define it using some of those terms and then ask them how they think they could develop it," he said.    

3. Be realistic.
All holidays are an emotionally stressful time. Whether it’s Christmas or the fourth of July, if you plan too much in one day it’s emotionally and physically exhausting. Both can lead to overload and be the spark for the kind of fireworks you weren’t intending, particularly with children. 

Goldberg and Lichtman said parents should keep their expectations of the holiday realistic. “In the past, you may have repeated family rituals together each year – now things will be different,” they wrote.   If you’re single and are reminded of what you did last year with your ex, ask yourself: were you happy? Were you fighting? What was really happening in your marriage? Was your spouse keeping a BIG secret from you? Look at it this way, this year you won’t be in the house with someone who doesn’t want you. Rejoice!   

“Use this holiday as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself,” Sedacca said. “You are creating a new future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. Next July 4th can be one of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.”  

4. Think healthy, stay healthy.
If you’re at a backyard barbeque all day, it can be tempting to eat your way through the hamburgers and hot dogs and drink one too many beers.  Particularly if you’re feeling alone and depressed about the breakup, you may want to resort to unhealthy habits. However, alcohol and overeating will only make you feel worse.  

Find healthy alternatives, said David Knox, author of “The Divorced Dad’s Survival Book,” and a professor of sociology at East Carolina University. Instead, try a little self discipline at the buffet table and a little exercise to help improve your outlook. Exercise produces endorphins that lessen your feelings of sadness after a divorce or other loss. And over the long term, you’ll be glad you exercised a little control.  

5.  Realize you’re not alone.
If you are a single, there’s always someone willing to help you through the holidays, but you have to make the decision to reach out. “Keep the holiday simple and engage the support of others. Being together with those who love you is really most important. So don't hesitate to let family or friends help you decorate, plan the activities or bring potluck,” Goldberg and Lichtman said.

But more than that, Sedacca added: “Use this holiday as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a new future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows…. Next July 4th can be one of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.”