Anger Training: Why your Kid Doesn't Want to Visit

    Ever wonder why your child doesn't want to visit you? Here are 25 reasons to consider. 

1. You have never really built a relationship with the child.
2. You are constantly speaking negative about the other parent.
3. You are not spending one on one time with the child.
4. You are constantly yelling, screaming and complaining about things.
5. You constantly cancel visits.
6. You make promises you can’t keep.
7. You show up late for visits.
8. You are controlling and are not letting the child voice their opinion.
9. You are not asking the child about his/her feelings.
10. You are not planning for the visit in advance (fun activities).
11. You are mentally and/or physically abusive towards the child.
12. You are neglecting the child’s needs.
13. You are constantly badgering the child to give up information about the other parent.
14. You are not encouraging the child to visit.
15. You forget the child’s birthday and gift along with other special dates.
16. You are not honest and the child does not trust you.
17. You blame the divorce on the child or the other parent.
18. You show favoritism for one child.
19. You always bring your girlfriend/boyfriend on the visit.
20. You are always putting your child in an uncomfortable situation.
21. You tell the child to keep a secret from the other parent.
22. You are not allowing the child to speak to the other parent while the child is with you.
23. You are not cool or fun enough to hang out with.
24. You tell the child “the courts says you have to visit.”
25. You use a negative tone with the child (you are not going home). 

In certain phrases, “You” can refer to both parents. Both parents are part of the problem. Parents become part of the problem when there is no plan in place to help resolve these issues. The child is a reflection of the aggression bottled up inside of both parents. The child’s behavior is simply a projection of what both parents are feeling- tension, stress, frustration, resistance to change, the resistance to move forward and deal with the current situation.  

How should these issues be addressed? Step back and look at each reason and change the negative to a positive. Face them or they will never go away. Once you limit your child’s ability to build a relationship and love both parents -- you are creating an unhealthy situation. Both parents should be fighting together and not against each other to provide the best for their child.    

Kenia Maldonado, LMSW and CAMF, holds a master’s degree in social administration from Columbia University School of Social Work. She is currently working as a family case analyst in the New York courts. She is also the founder of NY Anger Training. Kenia can be reached at nyangertraining@aol.com.