Telling Kids about Gay Spouse

    The children are always a priority for parents in any divorce. But what if one of the parents comes out as being gay or lesbian? How will this affect the children? Research and counselors will tell you that kids are more resilient than adults in most cases. They just want the truth.    

Judith E. Snow, MA, is a psychotherapist in private practice. She has written a book, entitled "How it Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent," in which she interviewed children with a gay or lesbian parent. "With all the kids I talked with, the divorce was the greater issue, not the parent's sexual orientation," said Snow."The next big issue was 'How do I live in a world that doesn't accept my parent?' The kids often stay in the closet and don't tell anyone about their parents' sexual orientation."  

Coming Out actually involves three waves, especially if children are involved," said Amity P. Buxton, Ph.D., founder of the Straight Spouse Network (SSN). "The first wave involves the gay or lesbian spouse coming out. The second wave is when the straight spouse deals with the situation (which can take some time) and the third wave involves telling the kids. So the family is dealing with the issue at different times and from different perspectives which makes it very complicated."  

Younger children (up to 6) understand the many kinds of love, but not necessarily the sexuality part. So explaining in simple terms that "Daddy loves Bill" or  "Mommy loves Sue" may be all that's necessary. You could also explain that some families have two moms, some have a mom and a dad, some have two dads, some kids are raised by grandma and grandpa and some kids live with foster parents. This helps kids realize that their situation may not be that unusual.  

The older child is beginning to understand sexuality, so parents can explain briefly about the gay parent. "But that is all the information that needs to be said when they are first told," said Buxton. "At that time, parents need to say that they are open to any questions the children may have, whenever they want to ask them. It's important to not make the homosexuality a big deal."  

Snow suggests that if possible both parents can tell the children together and present a united front. It's important that the kids understand they are important to both of you as you explain the divorce and the reasons for it in plain, age-appropriate language."  "It's good to tell the children early," stated Snow. "The worst thing that could happen is that nothing is ever explained to the kids."      


EFFECTS ON CHILDREN

According to Buxton, during the custody negotiations, it is easy to forget that the impact of homosexuality on a marriage is different than the effect on a parent-child relationship. "Kids are affected by the family breakup more than the fact that their dad is gay or mom is a lesbian," stated Buxton. "However, those in middle school or above are affected by antigay attitudes. Then it's their turn to go into the closet. Adolescents have the hardest time dealing with their parent's disclosure, since they, too, are going through sexuality changes."  

As the children process the information, the straight parent becomes the model for how to handle it. The children cope better if both parents can work through any hostility and keep from making critical comments about the other parent. It's also important to honor the child's love for each parent. "Unfortunately, there will be some parents who will think it is in the best interest of the children to shield them from the lesbian mom or the gay dad," said Snow. "Fear drives a lot of these attitudes. Many people who are homophobic have never even met anyone who's gay."