Sex, Lies and Telling the Kids

Dr. Gilda suggests couples who talk to their children about marital problems should not mention cheating or an affair. "That’s too much information. It’s best if both parents could explain that they have been having problems as a couple, but they still love the kids. The kids will probably blame themselves in part and try to fix the couples’ ills. Let them know this must be worked out by both parents on their own. The kids will have questions as time goes on, so answer them honestly, but without going into detail. The most important thing is to make the kids feel secure at a time when you might not feel so secure yourself."

Sedacca thinks most couples, who do not have to deal with public notoriety, simply shouldn't bring children into the equation. "It’s not fair to them and it can only create pain and sorrow in their lives," she said. "Affairs are not black and white issues with simplistic explanations involving good guys and bad guys. The subject should not be broached and children should never be forced to condemn or feel guilty about loving one of their parents."

"When your children are adults you can talk to them and explain the circumstances along with why you made the decisions you made at the time," she added. 



WHAT TO TELL YOUR KIDS AFTER YOU'VE LIED AND THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG

By Dr. Mark Goulston, M.D., clinical psychiatrist and author of a number of books, including "The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again...and Stay There."

If the goal is to do the least harm to the children, parents should work together on what and how to tell the children in a way in which their fears (which will still be considerable) should be allayed as much as is possible. That may include using a therapist to meet with family to translate if necessary or draw children out.  Also if there is more than one child it is a good idea to speak with them together so they can talk to each other about it. If however, the children or others already know about the affair (a la John Edwards), a conversation between the cheating spouse and the children (with the other spouse present) might be called for. The general rule with kids is that it is less important what you tell them than what you get them to tell and ask you. Here are 10 tips: 

1. Ask them if and what they have heard about the situation?

2. Ask they what they have thought or felt about what they have heard?

3. Tell them the facts of what happened that are appropriate for their age. In other words don't tell them more than they need or want to hear.

4. Answer what they are asking as specifically and honestly as you can and tell them you are sorry and you were wrong with no excuses or explanations. (Later on in their lives you may go into explanations if and when they might want to understand your motives which you can write about in tip 10 below.)

5. After they ask you whatever they ask you and you answer them, ask them what they are most upset about?

6. After they go into that, if they don't cover the following, ask them what they are most worried about, scared about, and disappointed about?

7. When they answer look them in their eyes, because they need to see that their upset has caused you real pain. Their seeing this is what remorse is and it is critical for them to feel that if you promise to not do it again, you won't. If all they see is regret, it doesn't ring true.

8. If they ask you why you did it, give them the honest answer, even if it is: "I don't know," or "I was selfish,"  or "I was not happy and instead of talking it out with mom/dad and trying to fix it, I did what I did" (which is one of the lessons they and you should learn from this) again looking them directly in their eyes. Keep in mind that as disappointed or angry as your children are in you, they want to forgive you, but they need a reason to do it. If they see that true pain (referred to as agape meaning experiencing pain when you see someone else in pain).  They are more likely to forgive you, but don't expect them to ever forget.

9. Accept that once you have this conversation it is not over, because as they grow older they will revisit it depending on thier current age.

10. Keep a special notebook with each of their names on it where you write down thoughts about them including your hopes, worries, concerns, fears about and for them and your regrets. At some point either age 18, if they are reasonably mature, or age 21, give each of them that notebook. Don't use this as an opportunity to try to get them to feel sorry for you or let you off the hook. This will serve as evidence that you thought about them as they grew up and will counter their feeling that you are a narcissist who can't think about anyone but yourself.