HeartChoice: How to Tell the Children

Q: My husband and I have been married eight years and have decided to get a divorce. How do we tell the children?

A: Make sure the children have had a good night’s sleep. Both parents should sit down together with the children. Below are the words of the mother of two children (8 and 12).  The words assume that both parents take some responsibility for the divorce and are willing to provide a united front. The script should be adapted for your own unique situation.  

"Daddy and I want to talk to you about a big decision that we have made. Just like sometimes you don’t get along with your friends, we have been having trouble getting along.  We have been having  meetings with someone called a therapist who has been helping us talk about our feelings, and deciding what to do about them. We can’t work things out and have decided to live apart and not be married to each other. This is called a divorce.

Our trouble getting along is about our grown up relationship with each other.  It is not your fault that we are going to get divorced. We both love you very much and nothing has changed about the way we feel about you. We are a family and will always be your family. Many things in your life will stay the same. Mommy will stay living at our house here, and Daddy will move to an apartment close by. You both will continue to live with mommy and daddy but in two different places. You will keep your same rooms here, and will have a room at Daddy’s apartment.

You will be with one of us every day, and sometimes we will all be together, like to celebrate your birthday, special events at school, or scouts. You will still go to your same school, have the same friends, go to soccer, baseball, and so on. You will still be part of the same family and will see your aunts, uncles, and cousins.
 
You will probably have lots of different feelings about this. While you can’t do anything to change the decision that daddy and I have made; we both care very much about your feelings. Daddy and I hope you will tell us about your feelings. This is going to take some time to get used to for all of us but we will all be fine.

Change isn’t always a bad thing.. Daddy and I are here for you. Today, tomorrow, and always. We love you with our heart and soul."
 
The essential things to keep in mind about telling your children are:

• The parents agree on a joint decision to divorce- no blame is assigned to either parent.
• The divorce is not the fault of the children.
• Being loved by the parents continues.
• The children will have two places to see their parents.
• It is OK for the children to feel however they want to.
• Both parents are available to talk about the divorce.

 


Dr. David Knox is the founder of www.heartchoice.com and the author of "The Divorced Dad’s Survival Book."