The Divorce Coach: Structure for Kids during Divorce

    Structuring children will not only help them through this difficult time, but will help you manage better as a newly single parent.

What is structure and why is it important? Structure provides the boundaries in which children learn what is expected of them. They test these boundaries to see what and where limitations lie. Once established and consistent, a child feels a sense of safety and security. I hear parents say all the time how well behaved their children are in school and how different they behave at home. Schools provide structure as well as consequences so children can flourish.

Divorce shatters a child’s sense of safety because everything they knew is changing. They no longer know what to depend on. They will question if both parents love them, are they at fault for the divorce, will their parents stop loving them as they did each other.

In a child’s mind everything revolves around them. That is why it is critical for both parents to establish the same structure and boundaries in both homes. Morning, naptime, bedtime routines as well as eating times should be the same. Though many parents want to comfort their children during times of high stress, children actually do better sleeping in their own beds. Establishing good night time rituals will set their body clock for better rest and give you much needed down time.
 
Sameness decreases anxiety in children and enables them to thrive. Often parents dismiss routines because of their association with them. Chaos creates chaotic children. Embrace structure. Your children will be better students, have better social skills, develop better self esteem, become successful and less likely to engage in risk taking behaviors. It’s a win-win situation for all of you.


TO READ MORE

Click here to read more about how divorce affects parenting.

Click here to read more about divorce's effect on teens.



Clare Heicklen is a marriage family therapist with an M.A. in clinical psychology. She has worked in private practice in adult, child and family therapy and is a member of the American Associationf or Marriage and Family Therapy. She can be reached at pmjh@sbcglobal.net .