Telling Kids about Remarriage

    After being the “Three Musketeers” for some time, Jennifer Burgoyne was excited to tell her children of her plans to marry her boyfriend, Allen. Not only was she the happiest she had been since her divorce five years earlier, but she was confident that her boys, too, would be happy, too.   “...I knew they already loved him and he loved them...,” California-based Burgoyne, 42, said.

But, according to experts, Burgoyne’s experience is rare. “Although you may be happy for your new marriage, your kids may not be” said Dr. Sharon Fried, author of the new book "New Parents Are People Too." “It takes a very unselfish child to welcome this new person just because his or her parent is happy.”  

There are steps a parent can take to ease the transition. There are some specific areas of concern that must be taken into consideration for kids of certain ages – specifically, children under eight, adolescents and teenagers.  

“You have to understand that children go through different developmental stages and they move at different rates,” said Marsha Temlock, author of "Your Child's Divorce: What to Expect, What You Can Do." “So, while the categories are approximate, you can more or less expect there will be some pattern of behavior in each of these different stages.”  

In her book, "Mom, There's A Man in the Kitchen and He's Wearing Your Robe: The Single Mother's Guide to Dating Well without Parenting Poorly," author Ellie Slott Fishehttp://www.elliefisher.com/r talks about the different stages, beginning with how to prepare children for a serious relationship.   


MAKING REMARRIAGE BLOSSOM  

Parents need to begin to “plant the seed” for remarriage way before it ever happens, says Fisher, who is also the author of "Dating for Dads: The Single Father's Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly." When a parent begins to see enough potential in a relationship, she said, “you need to let your child know.”  

“This doesn’t mean you are getting married,” Fisher said. “But your child needs to know that just for now this is the person that you want to get to know better.” To begin, make sure the new person is part of a daily routine. Fisher warns that this does not mean living with one another, but instead inviting the new significant other over for a Sunday morning breakfast or a casual dinner.  

“With your child’s permission, you may begin to bring this person to athletic and school events,” Fisher said. “You may also include the new person in more intimate family events, such as a family trip or Thanksgiving dinner.” Fisher explained that these slow introductions allow a child to get to know the new person gradually, and “understand that they are not going anywhere.”  

Like Fisher, Jennifer Coleman, a life transition coach at S.C.-based Rosen Law Firm, emphasizes the importance of a continual introduction between a parent’s child and new significant other. This process, which Coleman calls allowing your partner to “date” your children, will make not only the transition a lot easier, but it will also help when you talk about remarriage.    


HOW A SCHEDULE CAN HELP

When introducing children under eight to the idea of remarriage, parents may notice increased crying, irritability and tantrums. Fried and Temlock maintain the best thing a parent can do is to keep a young child’s routine as normal as possible; this advice goes for the smallest of children, including infants.  

“Children at a very young age are clingy to the nurturing parent, so in a sense you have to introduce that other person so the child seems comfortable and doesn’t see that person as a stranger,” Temlock said. “And this is going to take some time.”  

In addition, Fried said children who recognize pictures, such as a toddler, will feel more at ease if a picture of the parent he is not going to see as often is placed in his room. Temlock also suggests reading to children about divorce in order to “help them verbalize their feelings.”   

Research shows one of the best tools a parent can use is allowing a child to experience the new person as a friend. Engaging in activities that align interests between the child and a new stepparent, Temlock said, will help to build a bond. “Assure them that the new parent can be a good friend and be part of the family," she said.